All. Over. Again.

Monday night it hit me. I am starting the infertility roller coaster all over again. After 6 rounds of Clomid, multiple blood draws, doctors appointments...followed by more, ultrasounds, pelvic exams, poking, prodding, and touching, I am starting all over again.

After hearing that I have "built a tolerance against Clomid" in November (which I now know is incorrect), we took almost a 5 month break from medicated trying. We decided to test fate, and see what would happen with a couple of months of no meds or doctors. Well we didn't get pregnant, and my cycle started to do weird things, so we called an RE.

I went to the first appointment absolutely terrified, yet excited.Terrified to hear some life altering diagnosis and to be dismissed for our age, but excited to get the opportunity to move on to different treatments and hopefully a very easily treated and minor cause for our infertility. I left the appointment excited and start and was floating on cloud 9. I told my mom and some friends everything that we will be doing, and ecstatic that we are taking the next step toward Baby Lathim.  On Friday the 18th (CD24), I went for my first blood draw to get a CBC, progesterone, and vit D reading. I was told that they would fax the results to my doctor, but I can also pick them up on Monday. So after a long excruciating wait until Monday, I get to work super early to be sure that I will have time to get to the lab, I wait in line behind a patient worried about missing her bus, then she digs through her purse, and continues yapping...Meanwhile there's me. I am sitting there tapping  my foot, looking around, sighing, and every so anxious to get my results. Finally it's my turn and they aren't ready yet. Then it hit me...I am starting this roller coaster all over again. I have a few people in my life that are a great support system, but I need more. So after crying to a couple of friends, and book shopping the next day, I think that I will be getting the support that I need. 

Now I have a wait another week or so for my next step. I will go in for my FSH/E2 test on the third day of my cycle (hurry!!!), and then on to my HSG and back to the doctor. So here we go, starting to go up that first hill on the roller coaster, only this time we don't know if it's going to be a wimpy fair roller coaster, or a terrifying, loopy, jerky, dangle me over an alligator pit kinda-thing.

Appointment, Friends, and Support, Oh My...

A lot has happened in the last month or so since my actual post. Same old story this month: not pregnant. However, this time I did something about it. I finally called to set up at appointment with an RE. We were going to go to ORM, but it turns out that they are out of network with our insurance so we are going to OHSU instead. Our appointment is on March 10th, and I am ready for it. Me and a friend went a did something that we always wanted to do....down there...It hurt like hell, but I'm glad that I finally did it. I also bought new fun socks. Hey, if the only thing that I will be wearing are socks, then I might as well wear cute ones. I am very excited about the 10th, but I'm also a little apprehensive about it. What if they find something wrong, then what are out options? Either way, I am looking forward to answers and to move on to the next step.

I hate it when people belittle my problems. Yesterday I went to lunch with a friend (keep in mind that she got pregnant on her first try...), and she was telling me that a friend of hers is struggling with infertility, but she is "having a harder time" than me because she's older. Honestly, my friend might has well have pushed me down and stomped on my stomach because that was the pain that I felt when she said that. Who is to say who's journey is harder? Especially, when you're on the outside with your baby happy as could be. I'm 24 and she is 38. She has age against her, but who knows what else? Who knows what I have against me? Infertility is considered a disease. It is a recognized and silent disease. Would you tell someone with a different disease that hers isn't bad because you know someone who is older with it? No. You empathize and listen, so why treat infertility any differently?

I also made a big step yesterday. I quit the online support group that I hate. I've been apart of it for about a year and everyone that I joined with is now pregnant, so it's just me and a bunch of new people who I really don't feel like I have a connection with. Then, yesterday afternoon I was pushed over the edge with one of the pregnant people on the forum asked those of us in an infertility support group if we have ever used a FHT monitor? No, you ignorant moron! So I got on there and explained why I was leaving. I said that I love the support from the people who found success with Clomid. They are inspiring and good for answering questions, but maybe it's more appropriate to ask pregnancy related questions to people on a pregnancy forum. Well then the entire forum blew up and 1/2 of the people were on my side and 1/2 were on the pregnant side. Everyone assumed that I was telling all pregnant people to leave when obviously I did not. So long story short, I decided to tell them what I think and move on. I figured that everyone from that group that I care about is on my facebook, so I really don't care if the rest hate me and think I am some terrible person. It felt so good to get it all out last night.

I love my Resolve support group, but for some reason I am always busy on the third Tuesday of every month. I miss the group, but it looks like I will have to wait until April now since my mom's birthday falls on the day, and a friend of mine is having a jewelry party that day, so yet again I will be missing out on my group meeting.

Well that's my update for now. Now it's off to bed so I can spend my day in the most fertile place in the world: The Family Birth Center...

The Life of the Infertile

I spend entirely too much time on infertility blogs, but I came across this site called http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/ and it gives 999 reasons to laugh about inferility. There was a post of the infertile cycle and this is it:
"Typical Month of the Infertile Negative pregnancy test.
Period.
Cry on toilet.
Cry in bed.
Depression.
Cry at work in bathroom.
Day 3, fertility appointment.
Wonder if you should try having sex during your period.
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
Inspect toilet paper after wiping hourly.
Fight with partner about infertility.
Friend announces she’s pregnancy. Emotional breakdown.
Ovulate?
IUI?
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, (shooting blanks)
Two week wait.
Facebook friend posts a picture of her bump. Cry.
Baby shower invite. Cry about that.
Analyze for early pregnancy symptoms.
Google: “Right breast feels heavier than left breast. Am I Pregnant?”
Google: “Peeing a lot at night, IUI.”Google: “Left nipple looks darker. Pregnancy?”Google: “Metallic taste in mouth. Pregnant?”
Inspect toilet paper after wiping hourly.
Hope for implantation bleeding.
Test early or wait for period.
Negative.
Mental breakdown.
REPEAT AGAIN THE FOLLOWING MONTH, AND THE MONTH AFTER THAT AND THE MONTH AFTER THAT AND THE MONTH AFTER…"

Unfortunetly, this is exactly how it goes....

"Failing Up"

"You're a classic example of failing up." That was a line that was said in this week's Grey's Anatomy to someone who "accidently" got a non-relationship partner pregnant by someone struggling with infertility. I love it, and it might just be my new motto. It came at a perfect time with my life with people and their constant announcements of pregnancy.

The newest pregnancy announcement was on Saturday on Facebook. She took a picture of her pregnancy test and posted the positive picture on Facebook. I think that that annoucement was the hardest on me of all of the other ones. Most people just announce it with words, or with a picture of their ultrasound, but this girl took a picture of something that I am afraid that I will never see. When I saw the word "pregnant" on the test with out "not" in front of it, it felt like I was punched in the stomach. Then this girl posted pictures of her and her husband thrilled of the news.  Then to make matters worse she said, "now that the news it out that I am preggers, I can use this place to vent..." and went on to complain that she is sick, tired, and her back hurts. Well first of all, don't say "preggers" I hate that. It's as bad as "baby daddy." Second of all, I don't think it is appropriate to announce all over Facebook about your constant vomiting...no one wants to hear about it...no one. I hate inconsiderate pregnant people! Filter what you post for the world to read!! Actually, that is not only important for pregnant people, but a general good rule of thumb for anything.

Ok, now that I have complained and got that off of my chest, I can go back to my quote. When "Dr. Shepard" said that he prefaced it with something along the lines of how can you get someone pregnant by looking at them, and others try for months and months with out success, and then he said, "you're the classic example of failing up." I loved it! I love how it is a failure to accidently get someone pregnant, but a success to have a baby. Maybe I will say it to the next undeserving pregnant person.

Defining Myself

My name is Kyndra, and I am infertile. That's how I define myself these days. It's sad, but unfortunately true. Infertility has this way of taking over every ounce of your being. It takes over your work, hobbies, family, friends, and your marriage. When people ask me what I do in my spare time I usually say something along the lines of spending time with family and friends, going shopping, and taking my dog on his daily outing. Sure it's true, but I leave a major aspect of my life out: researching, reading, living, and breathing infertility. I read online blogs about issues, successes, and failures. I research treatment options. I read infertility related books. And while I do my other hobbies, such as shopping, I drag my depressed, infertile self to the baby section of the store and dream about what I would buy when I have a baby (because I will).

When you're infertile it takes over your friends and family as well. When I am depressed, I tend to pull away from those around me. I know that it's not the right thing for me to do, but I just can't help it. I hate it when people see me down. I love my family, and I love being close to them, but when you are depressed and failing at what is supposed to come so naturally, it kind of tends to pull you away. I have a lot of close friends that I am forever grateful for, but this past year and a half has taught be a lesson: you quickly find out how your true friends are when you are going through a hard time. Some of my friends I am very open to about our infertility struggles, others, well let's just say they didn't quite make the cut. I was told by someone close to me that I shouldn't let this define who my true friends are, well guess what, I do. I understand that infertility is a hard thing for someone to try to help someone through, especially if you have no experience with it, but really all I need is a shoulder to cry on. I don't want advice (unless you're going through it). You don't have to say anything. All I need you to do is be there. If my friends can't be here for me during what has been one of the hardest and most painful experiences of my life, well then I'm sorry, but I don't want you there for my best either.

I think that this infertility journey has actually brought AJ and I closer together, although, it is just so hard and stressful on our relationship. I'm sure he's tired of seeing me happy as could be for a while after some good news or a positive ovulation test, and then when the two little lines elude me yet again, I come crashing down. I sink into this deep depression and just want to give up. This happens day in and day out. Right now our big issue is what I haven't had a positive ovulation test yet, and by this time last month I had. Plus when you're riding the emotional roller coaster that infertility is, and having schedule husband/wife time, the excitement of it kind of goes away. I just wish we could get a answers or a positive test (preferably the latter), so we can go back to our normal, happy selves.

I define myself as infertile. When we are with our couple friends (which they all have kids), I feel that we are the "infertile couple." When I go to the doctor's office I feel like the infertile one (I'm sure that will change when we go to ORM). When I am at work I feel like the infertile one.

I know that I am a wife, daughter, sister, and friend, but at the end of the day, I am just the 1 out of every 6 people who are categorized as "infertile."

Last one standing

Well obviously I'm not pregnant. I thought for sure that this month was going to be my month. It all made sense. I ovulated without any medications, I finally seen my first positive test, ovulation test, but still a test, and we timed everything just right, yet here I am...not pregnant. I am really beginning to wonder if I will ever see a positive test. If I ever do, I think I will take a picture of it, so when I am feeling down I can look at it.

I've been having a hard time lately. I think it's because I've felt so alone. With the holidays and other things coming up in my life, I haven't been to the Resolve meeting since October, and the online group that I am apart of, I don't really feel apart of anymore. I joined it when it was a small group, and I joined with a couple other people. We actually became really close and I consider some of them my friends, but now they are all pregnant. Here I am: the last one standing. There is one other person that joined right after me who is not pregnant, but I think she feels the same way I do because she hasn't been posting. Now the group is huge and everyone has the same exact freaking username with a spelling, space, or number modification, and each day more and more people join. Now the people in that group are getting pregnant, and they expect me to be happy for them....are you kidding? Yes, I feel bad that they are dealing with the same things as me, but doing two rounds of clomid and getting pregnant isn't quite the same pain and struggle that the rest of us are dealing with. I am just alone. I wish that I could have one friend to talk to and help me deal with the constant pain and struggling, and just the unknown of infertility.

Infertility takes over your life. Everything you do is scheduled around a positive ovulation test. Then everything you do is scheduled around a pregnancy test, and making plans in the future is just about impossible, but who knows if you will be pregnant or not. My best friend got a job at Disneyworld and I would love to visit her, but how fun would it really be to go to Disneyworld pregnant? You can't go on rides, so I would be flying down there to see her and to walk around Disneyworld. I just want answers. I want to know when. I want to know why. I want to know how.

I was reading this girl who married a friend of mine from high school, well middle school too, blog. Of course they are pregnant. Why wouldn't they be? They got married after me and weren't trying, so of course they would get pregnant first. Anyway, she announced her pregnancy by saying that a "parasite has implanted itself into my untouched uterus." Why would a person call her baby a parasite? Why do people that do not want it yet get pregnant with no effort at all. How the hell do people accidently get pregnant!? How can I time it, perfectly, month and month for a year and a half and not get pregnant, but that little tiny window when you can actually get pregnant, people "accidently" find it.

What did I do wrong, and why do I feel so alone? If inferility effects 1 out of 6 couples, then people really need to open up a little more because I need support. I am tired of being the last one standing.

Good Way to Start the New Year!

Well I made it through the Christmas season. I made it through all of our families and babies (just barely), and now here I am on New Year's night excited for what this year can bring. To start it off GREAT I took my morning ovulation predictor test and I got my very first "smiley face!" I have ovulated before, but I never took the OPKs, so I never seen a positive test. Maybe this one worked and we will have a new addition to our family by the holiday season of 2011. Now I am officially in the two week wait and anxious, nervous, and hopeful for what it will bring.

When I was on Clomid I never took the OPKs, so I didn't know exactly when I was ovulating. We would "baby dance" every other day during the week I was most likely to ovulate, but who knows when I was actually ovulating. So now that everything has been timed just right, I am so excited and so hopeful that we will not have to go to ORM. Technically, the next few months are our highest chances of conceiving, assuming that I don't have anything else wrong with me. Clomid can create a hostile environment and now I am ovulating without it. I hope it works! Hopefully I will have good news to come!

Emotional v. Physical

There's a fine line when it comes to deciding which is harder: physical or emotional struggles. I think for men the physical struggle is more of a challenge, but more of an accomplishment when they overcome it. As for women, I think it's oposite. We are always fighting an internal battle and we usually have to overcome it physcially before we emotionally feel better. I'm bringing this up because of what came up today. We got home from our first of four Christmases this year and we spent the night when my niece and nephew and I told AJ that I can't wait until March for the IUI. He told me that he can't wait to try naturally. A normal, healthy couple has a 22% chance of conceiving every month, and after of year of failing to conceive, you have about a 5% chance of conceiving every month. We have been emotionally trying to start a family for 15 months, but physically about 5 months since that it the time that I have been ovulating. He tries to remind me that we haven't been technically trying for a year yet, but I just don't think that he understands that I don't think that I have another 7 months in me of waiting to see if we conceive naturally. If you're emotionally drained, I would think that that would play a toll on your body and cause you to be physically drained as well. People tell me that I need to "not stress" (FYI- when you say that it makes every ounce of my being to not slap you...just a warning) because it is harder on my body. Well then I would most certainly think that emotional baggage would be the same way.

I guess it's not fair to choose which is harder, physical or emotional struggles, but for me I think it's the emotional baggage. Would I love to get pregnant the natural way? Definitely, but if we are not pregnant by March then we are definitely looking into the IUI. However, until then I am going to take an ovulation test every day to see if I am ovulating and hope for the best.

So excited!!

I finally have hope and good news again! AJ and I went to the ORM seminar last night. I didn't want to go, but AJ did and I am so glad that we went. They presented a lot of information but at the end we were able to ask the doctor one on one questions. I told her that I was on Clomid for 6 cycles and that my OB told me that my body built a tolerance against it. She asked me what my levels were and I told her that when I was ovulating they were 20-35 each time and then when I stopped ovulating it was only 6.6. She told me that I definitely ovulated that last cycle just probably a little later than normal. She told me that they like to see anything above 1 but if it's about 3 then that's great. She told me that if I would have went in a few days later for my progesterone check, then my levels would be in the 30's again. She told me that I am a candidate for Clomid/IUI. I will make an appointment after the first of the year to get all of the prelim testing completed and we are hoping to get started on the Clomid/IUI around March. We figured that we are paying and choosing when to get pregnant (assuming that this will work the first time), we might as well choose when the baby would be due. If we start in March then it would be due around November/December. April would probably be better, but I just don't know if I can wait that long!

I am just so excited to get started on the next step, but now I just have to wait...

Nerves and Frustration

Last night at work we had a 14 year old come in that is 20+ weeks pregnant, and when she delivers she will still be 14. I am ten years older than her! She was born in 1996 and is having a baby. She is is middle school!!! Then there's me. I'm 24 years old, married, and not on welfare, and I cannot have a baby. She is in the hospital for DFM and I am making appointments at fertility clinics to go to seminars to hear about our next steps. Last night I was having a hard time dealing with this so I tried to do something that I never do. I reached out to a friend, and the friend I reached out to has been going through relationship issues and I have been there for every single thing offering a shoulder to cry on and someone to vent to, and when I reach out what does she say, "Oh, you don't want a crack baby." No, I don't want a crack baby. I want a baby and it's not fair that this 14 year old is having one and I am not. I may have made this friend mad because after she said that I told her what she needed to hear, but of course no one wants to hear it. She hasn't talked to me since. I'm ok with that right now because she kind of made me mad the last couple of days. I think we are just going through too many different hardships and are both stressed and depressed.  I'm sure we will be fine. She is one of my best friends.

Tomorrow night we are going to the seminar at Oregon Reproductive Medicine. I procrastinated on making the appointment until today because I've been nervous and in denile and I was hoping that I wouldn't need to go. Well I do... So I told my mom that we cannot make my brother's birthday dinner because we have somewhere to be. I think that she is thinking that it's something Christmas related with AJ's family, but it's just a seminar. I just told her where we were going, so hopefully that will help her understand. Even though I just emailed my mom to tell her, it's still hard to admit. I can write it in this blog all day because no one reads it, but having to admit to it makes it so much harder. Hopefully we will get some good information tomorrow and will be able to move on to the next step.