All. Over. Again.

Monday night it hit me. I am starting the infertility roller coaster all over again. After 6 rounds of Clomid, multiple blood draws, doctors appointments...followed by more, ultrasounds, pelvic exams, poking, prodding, and touching, I am starting all over again.

After hearing that I have "built a tolerance against Clomid" in November (which I now know is incorrect), we took almost a 5 month break from medicated trying. We decided to test fate, and see what would happen with a couple of months of no meds or doctors. Well we didn't get pregnant, and my cycle started to do weird things, so we called an RE.

I went to the first appointment absolutely terrified, yet excited.Terrified to hear some life altering diagnosis and to be dismissed for our age, but excited to get the opportunity to move on to different treatments and hopefully a very easily treated and minor cause for our infertility. I left the appointment excited and start and was floating on cloud 9. I told my mom and some friends everything that we will be doing, and ecstatic that we are taking the next step toward Baby Lathim.  On Friday the 18th (CD24), I went for my first blood draw to get a CBC, progesterone, and vit D reading. I was told that they would fax the results to my doctor, but I can also pick them up on Monday. So after a long excruciating wait until Monday, I get to work super early to be sure that I will have time to get to the lab, I wait in line behind a patient worried about missing her bus, then she digs through her purse, and continues yapping...Meanwhile there's me. I am sitting there tapping  my foot, looking around, sighing, and every so anxious to get my results. Finally it's my turn and they aren't ready yet. Then it hit me...I am starting this roller coaster all over again. I have a few people in my life that are a great support system, but I need more. So after crying to a couple of friends, and book shopping the next day, I think that I will be getting the support that I need. 

Now I have a wait another week or so for my next step. I will go in for my FSH/E2 test on the third day of my cycle (hurry!!!), and then on to my HSG and back to the doctor. So here we go, starting to go up that first hill on the roller coaster, only this time we don't know if it's going to be a wimpy fair roller coaster, or a terrifying, loopy, jerky, dangle me over an alligator pit kinda-thing.

Appointment, Friends, and Support, Oh My...

A lot has happened in the last month or so since my actual post. Same old story this month: not pregnant. However, this time I did something about it. I finally called to set up at appointment with an RE. We were going to go to ORM, but it turns out that they are out of network with our insurance so we are going to OHSU instead. Our appointment is on March 10th, and I am ready for it. Me and a friend went a did something that we always wanted to do....down there...It hurt like hell, but I'm glad that I finally did it. I also bought new fun socks. Hey, if the only thing that I will be wearing are socks, then I might as well wear cute ones. I am very excited about the 10th, but I'm also a little apprehensive about it. What if they find something wrong, then what are out options? Either way, I am looking forward to answers and to move on to the next step.

I hate it when people belittle my problems. Yesterday I went to lunch with a friend (keep in mind that she got pregnant on her first try...), and she was telling me that a friend of hers is struggling with infertility, but she is "having a harder time" than me because she's older. Honestly, my friend might has well have pushed me down and stomped on my stomach because that was the pain that I felt when she said that. Who is to say who's journey is harder? Especially, when you're on the outside with your baby happy as could be. I'm 24 and she is 38. She has age against her, but who knows what else? Who knows what I have against me? Infertility is considered a disease. It is a recognized and silent disease. Would you tell someone with a different disease that hers isn't bad because you know someone who is older with it? No. You empathize and listen, so why treat infertility any differently?

I also made a big step yesterday. I quit the online support group that I hate. I've been apart of it for about a year and everyone that I joined with is now pregnant, so it's just me and a bunch of new people who I really don't feel like I have a connection with. Then, yesterday afternoon I was pushed over the edge with one of the pregnant people on the forum asked those of us in an infertility support group if we have ever used a FHT monitor? No, you ignorant moron! So I got on there and explained why I was leaving. I said that I love the support from the people who found success with Clomid. They are inspiring and good for answering questions, but maybe it's more appropriate to ask pregnancy related questions to people on a pregnancy forum. Well then the entire forum blew up and 1/2 of the people were on my side and 1/2 were on the pregnant side. Everyone assumed that I was telling all pregnant people to leave when obviously I did not. So long story short, I decided to tell them what I think and move on. I figured that everyone from that group that I care about is on my facebook, so I really don't care if the rest hate me and think I am some terrible person. It felt so good to get it all out last night.

I love my Resolve support group, but for some reason I am always busy on the third Tuesday of every month. I miss the group, but it looks like I will have to wait until April now since my mom's birthday falls on the day, and a friend of mine is having a jewelry party that day, so yet again I will be missing out on my group meeting.

Well that's my update for now. Now it's off to bed so I can spend my day in the most fertile place in the world: The Family Birth Center...

The Life of the Infertile

I spend entirely too much time on infertility blogs, but I came across this site called http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/ and it gives 999 reasons to laugh about inferility. There was a post of the infertile cycle and this is it:
"Typical Month of the Infertile Negative pregnancy test.
Period.
Cry on toilet.
Cry in bed.
Depression.
Cry at work in bathroom.
Day 3, fertility appointment.
Wonder if you should try having sex during your period.
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
Inspect toilet paper after wiping hourly.
Fight with partner about infertility.
Friend announces she’s pregnancy. Emotional breakdown.
Ovulate?
IUI?
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, (shooting blanks)
Two week wait.
Facebook friend posts a picture of her bump. Cry.
Baby shower invite. Cry about that.
Analyze for early pregnancy symptoms.
Google: “Right breast feels heavier than left breast. Am I Pregnant?”
Google: “Peeing a lot at night, IUI.”Google: “Left nipple looks darker. Pregnancy?”Google: “Metallic taste in mouth. Pregnant?”
Inspect toilet paper after wiping hourly.
Hope for implantation bleeding.
Test early or wait for period.
Negative.
Mental breakdown.
REPEAT AGAIN THE FOLLOWING MONTH, AND THE MONTH AFTER THAT AND THE MONTH AFTER THAT AND THE MONTH AFTER…"

Unfortunetly, this is exactly how it goes....

"Failing Up"

"You're a classic example of failing up." That was a line that was said in this week's Grey's Anatomy to someone who "accidently" got a non-relationship partner pregnant by someone struggling with infertility. I love it, and it might just be my new motto. It came at a perfect time with my life with people and their constant announcements of pregnancy.

The newest pregnancy announcement was on Saturday on Facebook. She took a picture of her pregnancy test and posted the positive picture on Facebook. I think that that annoucement was the hardest on me of all of the other ones. Most people just announce it with words, or with a picture of their ultrasound, but this girl took a picture of something that I am afraid that I will never see. When I saw the word "pregnant" on the test with out "not" in front of it, it felt like I was punched in the stomach. Then this girl posted pictures of her and her husband thrilled of the news.  Then to make matters worse she said, "now that the news it out that I am preggers, I can use this place to vent..." and went on to complain that she is sick, tired, and her back hurts. Well first of all, don't say "preggers" I hate that. It's as bad as "baby daddy." Second of all, I don't think it is appropriate to announce all over Facebook about your constant vomiting...no one wants to hear about it...no one. I hate inconsiderate pregnant people! Filter what you post for the world to read!! Actually, that is not only important for pregnant people, but a general good rule of thumb for anything.

Ok, now that I have complained and got that off of my chest, I can go back to my quote. When "Dr. Shepard" said that he prefaced it with something along the lines of how can you get someone pregnant by looking at them, and others try for months and months with out success, and then he said, "you're the classic example of failing up." I loved it! I love how it is a failure to accidently get someone pregnant, but a success to have a baby. Maybe I will say it to the next undeserving pregnant person.

Defining Myself

My name is Kyndra, and I am infertile. That's how I define myself these days. It's sad, but unfortunately true. Infertility has this way of taking over every ounce of your being. It takes over your work, hobbies, family, friends, and your marriage. When people ask me what I do in my spare time I usually say something along the lines of spending time with family and friends, going shopping, and taking my dog on his daily outing. Sure it's true, but I leave a major aspect of my life out: researching, reading, living, and breathing infertility. I read online blogs about issues, successes, and failures. I research treatment options. I read infertility related books. And while I do my other hobbies, such as shopping, I drag my depressed, infertile self to the baby section of the store and dream about what I would buy when I have a baby (because I will).

When you're infertile it takes over your friends and family as well. When I am depressed, I tend to pull away from those around me. I know that it's not the right thing for me to do, but I just can't help it. I hate it when people see me down. I love my family, and I love being close to them, but when you are depressed and failing at what is supposed to come so naturally, it kind of tends to pull you away. I have a lot of close friends that I am forever grateful for, but this past year and a half has taught be a lesson: you quickly find out how your true friends are when you are going through a hard time. Some of my friends I am very open to about our infertility struggles, others, well let's just say they didn't quite make the cut. I was told by someone close to me that I shouldn't let this define who my true friends are, well guess what, I do. I understand that infertility is a hard thing for someone to try to help someone through, especially if you have no experience with it, but really all I need is a shoulder to cry on. I don't want advice (unless you're going through it). You don't have to say anything. All I need you to do is be there. If my friends can't be here for me during what has been one of the hardest and most painful experiences of my life, well then I'm sorry, but I don't want you there for my best either.

I think that this infertility journey has actually brought AJ and I closer together, although, it is just so hard and stressful on our relationship. I'm sure he's tired of seeing me happy as could be for a while after some good news or a positive ovulation test, and then when the two little lines elude me yet again, I come crashing down. I sink into this deep depression and just want to give up. This happens day in and day out. Right now our big issue is what I haven't had a positive ovulation test yet, and by this time last month I had. Plus when you're riding the emotional roller coaster that infertility is, and having schedule husband/wife time, the excitement of it kind of goes away. I just wish we could get a answers or a positive test (preferably the latter), so we can go back to our normal, happy selves.

I define myself as infertile. When we are with our couple friends (which they all have kids), I feel that we are the "infertile couple." When I go to the doctor's office I feel like the infertile one (I'm sure that will change when we go to ORM). When I am at work I feel like the infertile one.

I know that I am a wife, daughter, sister, and friend, but at the end of the day, I am just the 1 out of every 6 people who are categorized as "infertile."

Last one standing

Well obviously I'm not pregnant. I thought for sure that this month was going to be my month. It all made sense. I ovulated without any medications, I finally seen my first positive test, ovulation test, but still a test, and we timed everything just right, yet here I am...not pregnant. I am really beginning to wonder if I will ever see a positive test. If I ever do, I think I will take a picture of it, so when I am feeling down I can look at it.

I've been having a hard time lately. I think it's because I've felt so alone. With the holidays and other things coming up in my life, I haven't been to the Resolve meeting since October, and the online group that I am apart of, I don't really feel apart of anymore. I joined it when it was a small group, and I joined with a couple other people. We actually became really close and I consider some of them my friends, but now they are all pregnant. Here I am: the last one standing. There is one other person that joined right after me who is not pregnant, but I think she feels the same way I do because she hasn't been posting. Now the group is huge and everyone has the same exact freaking username with a spelling, space, or number modification, and each day more and more people join. Now the people in that group are getting pregnant, and they expect me to be happy for them....are you kidding? Yes, I feel bad that they are dealing with the same things as me, but doing two rounds of clomid and getting pregnant isn't quite the same pain and struggle that the rest of us are dealing with. I am just alone. I wish that I could have one friend to talk to and help me deal with the constant pain and struggling, and just the unknown of infertility.

Infertility takes over your life. Everything you do is scheduled around a positive ovulation test. Then everything you do is scheduled around a pregnancy test, and making plans in the future is just about impossible, but who knows if you will be pregnant or not. My best friend got a job at Disneyworld and I would love to visit her, but how fun would it really be to go to Disneyworld pregnant? You can't go on rides, so I would be flying down there to see her and to walk around Disneyworld. I just want answers. I want to know when. I want to know why. I want to know how.

I was reading this girl who married a friend of mine from high school, well middle school too, blog. Of course they are pregnant. Why wouldn't they be? They got married after me and weren't trying, so of course they would get pregnant first. Anyway, she announced her pregnancy by saying that a "parasite has implanted itself into my untouched uterus." Why would a person call her baby a parasite? Why do people that do not want it yet get pregnant with no effort at all. How the hell do people accidently get pregnant!? How can I time it, perfectly, month and month for a year and a half and not get pregnant, but that little tiny window when you can actually get pregnant, people "accidently" find it.

What did I do wrong, and why do I feel so alone? If inferility effects 1 out of 6 couples, then people really need to open up a little more because I need support. I am tired of being the last one standing.

Good Way to Start the New Year!

Well I made it through the Christmas season. I made it through all of our families and babies (just barely), and now here I am on New Year's night excited for what this year can bring. To start it off GREAT I took my morning ovulation predictor test and I got my very first "smiley face!" I have ovulated before, but I never took the OPKs, so I never seen a positive test. Maybe this one worked and we will have a new addition to our family by the holiday season of 2011. Now I am officially in the two week wait and anxious, nervous, and hopeful for what it will bring.

When I was on Clomid I never took the OPKs, so I didn't know exactly when I was ovulating. We would "baby dance" every other day during the week I was most likely to ovulate, but who knows when I was actually ovulating. So now that everything has been timed just right, I am so excited and so hopeful that we will not have to go to ORM. Technically, the next few months are our highest chances of conceiving, assuming that I don't have anything else wrong with me. Clomid can create a hostile environment and now I am ovulating without it. I hope it works! Hopefully I will have good news to come!

Emotional v. Physical

There's a fine line when it comes to deciding which is harder: physical or emotional struggles. I think for men the physical struggle is more of a challenge, but more of an accomplishment when they overcome it. As for women, I think it's oposite. We are always fighting an internal battle and we usually have to overcome it physcially before we emotionally feel better. I'm bringing this up because of what came up today. We got home from our first of four Christmases this year and we spent the night when my niece and nephew and I told AJ that I can't wait until March for the IUI. He told me that he can't wait to try naturally. A normal, healthy couple has a 22% chance of conceiving every month, and after of year of failing to conceive, you have about a 5% chance of conceiving every month. We have been emotionally trying to start a family for 15 months, but physically about 5 months since that it the time that I have been ovulating. He tries to remind me that we haven't been technically trying for a year yet, but I just don't think that he understands that I don't think that I have another 7 months in me of waiting to see if we conceive naturally. If you're emotionally drained, I would think that that would play a toll on your body and cause you to be physically drained as well. People tell me that I need to "not stress" (FYI- when you say that it makes every ounce of my being to not slap you...just a warning) because it is harder on my body. Well then I would most certainly think that emotional baggage would be the same way.

I guess it's not fair to choose which is harder, physical or emotional struggles, but for me I think it's the emotional baggage. Would I love to get pregnant the natural way? Definitely, but if we are not pregnant by March then we are definitely looking into the IUI. However, until then I am going to take an ovulation test every day to see if I am ovulating and hope for the best.

So excited!!

I finally have hope and good news again! AJ and I went to the ORM seminar last night. I didn't want to go, but AJ did and I am so glad that we went. They presented a lot of information but at the end we were able to ask the doctor one on one questions. I told her that I was on Clomid for 6 cycles and that my OB told me that my body built a tolerance against it. She asked me what my levels were and I told her that when I was ovulating they were 20-35 each time and then when I stopped ovulating it was only 6.6. She told me that I definitely ovulated that last cycle just probably a little later than normal. She told me that they like to see anything above 1 but if it's about 3 then that's great. She told me that if I would have went in a few days later for my progesterone check, then my levels would be in the 30's again. She told me that I am a candidate for Clomid/IUI. I will make an appointment after the first of the year to get all of the prelim testing completed and we are hoping to get started on the Clomid/IUI around March. We figured that we are paying and choosing when to get pregnant (assuming that this will work the first time), we might as well choose when the baby would be due. If we start in March then it would be due around November/December. April would probably be better, but I just don't know if I can wait that long!

I am just so excited to get started on the next step, but now I just have to wait...

Nerves and Frustration

Last night at work we had a 14 year old come in that is 20+ weeks pregnant, and when she delivers she will still be 14. I am ten years older than her! She was born in 1996 and is having a baby. She is is middle school!!! Then there's me. I'm 24 years old, married, and not on welfare, and I cannot have a baby. She is in the hospital for DFM and I am making appointments at fertility clinics to go to seminars to hear about our next steps. Last night I was having a hard time dealing with this so I tried to do something that I never do. I reached out to a friend, and the friend I reached out to has been going through relationship issues and I have been there for every single thing offering a shoulder to cry on and someone to vent to, and when I reach out what does she say, "Oh, you don't want a crack baby." No, I don't want a crack baby. I want a baby and it's not fair that this 14 year old is having one and I am not. I may have made this friend mad because after she said that I told her what she needed to hear, but of course no one wants to hear it. She hasn't talked to me since. I'm ok with that right now because she kind of made me mad the last couple of days. I think we are just going through too many different hardships and are both stressed and depressed.  I'm sure we will be fine. She is one of my best friends.

Tomorrow night we are going to the seminar at Oregon Reproductive Medicine. I procrastinated on making the appointment until today because I've been nervous and in denile and I was hoping that I wouldn't need to go. Well I do... So I told my mom that we cannot make my brother's birthday dinner because we have somewhere to be. I think that she is thinking that it's something Christmas related with AJ's family, but it's just a seminar. I just told her where we were going, so hopefully that will help her understand. Even though I just emailed my mom to tell her, it's still hard to admit. I can write it in this blog all day because no one reads it, but having to admit to it makes it so much harder. Hopefully we will get some good information tomorrow and will be able to move on to the next step.

Rough couple of days

As I am sitting here writing this AJ's cousin is at the hospital in labor with their first child. Although, I am excited for them,  they are the one couple in the whole entire world that I am happy for, but it still doesn't make it any easier. They have been waiting for this days for over two years. They tried for two years and now they are having their baby. I am genuinely happy for them, but at the same time it hurts so bad. I would give anything to be in their situation and to have the entire family waiting for me to deliver. She has an entourage of people waiting, which I'm not sure how I would feel about, and is experiencing the most exciting moment of her life. I cannot wait and hope that someday I will get to experience the one of a kind experience of delivering a baby.

Meanwhile, this day I also find out that some friends of ours are having a baby boy. She is 20 weeks pregnant and found out today. She and her husband tried for 6 months, and apparently, they know what we're going through with waiting to get pregnant. Actually, you don't know, but I guess thanks for trying to sympathize.

This holiday season has been extra rough on me and yesterday when I was on Facebook, the husband of the infamous "fertile Mertyle" announced that if you want to get excited for the holidays again "then have a kid." Can I PLEASE take his head and his wife's and bang them together....very hard. Between his ignorant wife thinking that it's appropriate to announce that you're a fertile Mertyle, and the just-as-ignorant husband says that "all you have to do" is have a kid. Guess what, some of us aren't as "blessed" to get "accidentally" pregnant like you. Some of us try and try and seek fertility treatment, and guess what you dear ignorant couple, we cannot just "have a kid." Some of us also loved the holidays and would be so excited and elated this time of year, but since we cannot "just have a kid," the holiday season has never been so painful in all my life. So thank you for rubbing your fertile successes in my fertile failure face...thanks.

Lost Control

I am sitting here at my computer writing this post because I have completely lost control of my body. First I can't get pregnant or ovulate and now I can't run. I try to do everything right, yet somehow I get disappointed again. I know that I am extra prone to injuries (I have no idea why...), so I started running short distances and taking it easy. Over a period of four weeks I increased by runs to 3.1 miles long and I only run 3-4 times a week, and now here I am with an injured achilles...again. It's just not fair that I can do everything right and still be let down. I can't get pregnant and AJ and I have a happy, healthy marriage, own a house, have jobs, and are perfectly content. However, a high school girl; an unemployed, welfare mom;  an abusive family; or a drug user can get pregnant without any issues. Why does it happen to the undeserving so easily, yet those of us who deserve a family cannot achieve it?

Then there's running. There are the people who are not runners, or are overweight, or don't run correctly, or have terrible running gear and they never get injured. I just want to know why I have to have so many issues. I am healthy, not overweight, and just trying to exercise and I somehow get injured. I am not out there doing speed work or hill repeats, I am just running. I am running at a 9:30 mile pace and here I am: crippled...again.

I just want control of my body. I want it to do one thing that it is supposed to do. With all of the baby stuff going on in our lives it felt so good to be out running. It was a way to get away from the frustrations and to feel good about myself, and now I am a failure at another thing.

Holidays

I gave in and decorated on Wednesday. I felt bad for AJ and people that came over and didn't want to ruin anyone's holiday season with my depressed holiday-less house, so I decorated. I didn't do very much; just a couple of knick-knacks placed around. But I'm still not listening to Christmas music. So I'm still "bam-humbugging" it up.

I have also been extra depressed lately, but I think it's because I'm tired of pregnant friends and friends with babies. I am tired of the holidays and I am tired of being at a stand still waiting for January to take the next step in our journey. Last night we went out with some friends who do not have babies so it was great. They are officially our new couple friends.

bah humbug...

Usually I am a complete holiday nut. I decorate as early as possible and I practically bounce off the walls until the day after the holiday when I have the not-so-fun task of undecorating. Well, this year, it's an entire different situation. Last year when I was decorating I told AJ that next year when I do this I will have to put everything up higher because we will have a little one crawling around, well here we are 12 months later and 15 months of trying to start a family and we aren't even close. We don't even have a plan of what we are doing next to try to get pregnant. All we know is that we are seeing a specialist in January.  I just want the holidays to go away. I want to go on vacation and not come back until after all of the holidays are over. I hate this year. Most of our friends either got pregnant or had a baby in 2010 and what did we do? We took Clomid until I became immune to it. Actually, now that I am thinking about it, I think that out of all of our married friends we are the only ones who do not have kids and/or are pregnant.

Thanksgiving was on this past Thursday and usually I hate Thanksgiving, but I enjoy spending time with family and eating the world's best pie. This year was different. It took everything in me to stay positive, smile, and not try while eating turkey and watching everyone enjoy the beginning of the holiday season. Not only are we the only ones out of our friends who do not have kids, but we are now the only ones in the family that do not have kids also. Well technically one of AJ's cousins does not have kids, but she is pregnant and due anytime now, so yes, I think it's fair to say that we are the only ones who do not have kids/are not pregnant. I am so tired of being depressed and alone, but unfortunately I do not have many people to talk to. I like my support group, but I am kind of tired of telling my story there, and really all I want is to release my frustrations and have people who understand infertility listen and offer advice. I also feel as if I do not quite fit in with this group either because everyone is older and has been trying for a lot longer than we have. Maybe I should start my own group?

Anyway, back to the holidays...I do not want to decorate this year. I do not want to get a tree. I do not want to go to the family functions. Instead, I want to lay in bed and throw myself the pity party of the year while reading celebrity gossip magazines. Everyone is so excited for the holidays this year, well maybe they are every year, but this year because I'm not I guess I notice it more. When ever I see a house with it's Christmas lights, or a car driving down the road with a tree on it's top, or people decorating their houses, it makes me wonder "how are you happy?" I guess when you're depressed it's easy to get lost in that and assume that everyone else is as miserable. I might put pine cones in my bowl in the table, but I do not think that I am going to decorate. AJ is making me get a tree, so I guess we have to do that, but if I had my way we wouldn't. Maybe we can compromise and get a little tiny tree to sit on our coffee table?

Today I went to the Christmas Bazaar trying to get in the holiday spirit. Instead it depressed me even more and made me want to leave...far, far away for the next 4 weeks. I want to go somewhere tropical so Christmas isn't everywhere...absolutely everywhere... What's extra hard is that I am always so upbeat, that I feel that I need to continue to stay positive because I hate making people around me miserable.

I need a friend. I need an infertile friend who I can confide in during this difficult time. I need an infertile friend who does not have kids...Oh, and an infertile friend who is not Christian.

I am tired of being alone and this holiday season is just reminding me how alone I really am. AJ wants to be there for me, but he just doesn't understand how hard it is to deal with being infertile.

This year I hate the holiday season..bah humbug....

Keeping notes so I don't forget.

I am going to make an appointment for January to see an RE, and I know that it is so easy to get overwhelmed in a doctor's office, so I am just going to keep notes so I can reference them before I leave for my appointment.

Well I did not ovulate on my fourth cycle of 150mg of Clomid, yet miraculously my monthly enemy showed up right on time on day 35 with a normal flow. Now I know it's possible to get your period without ovulating, but is it normal to get it right on time? It seems like I should have been late...at least by a little bit?  Well I guess that I will just have to wait a couple of months to know more.

"Fertile Myrtle"

I have reached an all new low of hatred of fertile people, well those who are inconsiderate of the infertile. There is a girl, who I really have never been a huge fan of, but now she is officially on my list of people that I really couldn't care less if she fell off the face of the Earth. This is the same girl (well one of them) that we went bowling with who was pregnant at the time, and the entire time kept complaining about how uncomfortable she is and how she can eat anything she wants because she is "eating for two." Here I am, 4 months into our trying to conceive journey with two "fertile myrtles" (both "accidentally" got pregnant. One was not on birth control, yet was surprised that she was pregnant- seriously, how dumb and ignorant can one person be?) And the girl (AKA inspiration of this blog post) evidently got pregnant by complete surprise with a condom that broke. Do I believe her for a second? Absolutely not. Considering that she and her new husband had only been married for a couple of months, and throughout her entire engagement (Well, I should use the word "entire" carefully, considering that they met, dated, and got married all within a year) mentioned that she wanted babies ASAP. And as a "shocker" to us all, she ended up pregnant ASAP.

Well now the "inspiration" girl is on Facebook every single freaking day complaining about being tired, hungry, sick, or having a sick baby. However, she had to get a mole on her pinkie toe removed and kept calling it "surgery," so clearly this girl's judgement on what being "sick" is, is a little impaired. So today this umm..incredibly intelligent girl, updated her Facebook status to "fertile Myrtle." Of course everyone is commenting asking if she is trying to tell us something, and this complete idiot states, "Don't worry, I'm just reminding myself." What kind of complete moron has to publicly announce that she is a fertile Myrtle? Do you actually feel the need to post to the whole world that you need to take your birth control or to remember to use a condom? Come on, stupid girl...

Some of us are doing everything that we can and still cannot get pregnant, as if that's not hard enough (emotionally and physically), we now have to deal with the ignorant and the insane on Facebook who feels that it is not only interesting, but also appropriate to announce that she is a "fertile Myrtle." Am I probably a little too sensitive? That may be the case, but it is still not only inappropriate, but just plain dumb to update your Facebook status to "Fertile Myrtle."

I think it is also fair to complain about the fact that her mom had to remind her on Facebook to take her birth control pill? Seriously, "stupid girl," how does that make you feel when your mom reminds you for the whole world to see, that she does not want to see you procreate? Now that kind of makes me happy...

Maybe I should update mine to "Infertile Myrtle?" I guess that would be a good way to open up...

Opening Up

My goal is to open up a little more about our struggle with infertility. I feel that if I tell more people I will be able to cope with it myself and will have friends to confide it, but openning up is so hard for me. I know that it is a common thing and nothing that I am actually doing wrong, but still it's such a personal and intense battle that it's scary to allow other people in. Although, I'm sure that most infertile people feel that way which is why I seem so alone, and that's probably also why insurance companies feel that they can not cover infertility treatment because so few people open up about it.

Yesterday I told a friend that we are being sent to a specialist. I didn't tell her much more because I knew that I would end up crying, but just getting that out really helped and made me feel better. I just need to learn to open up...

This next issue doesn't have anything to do with opening up, but I need to get it out! I am a part of an online support group and all of the ladies on in are struggling with infertility and are all on Clomid or pursing IUIs and IVF. Well this new lady joined who said that she was 33 years old and has been married for 17 years (so evidently she got married at 16), has three kids 3 years old-15 years old, and she and her husband have always wanted a big family, so they went on Clomid to increase their chances of conceiving twins. She wants our thoughts with her and to people to pray for her even though she doesn't have fertility problems. Are you kidding me!? The audacity that that lady has. That's like going to an AA meeting and saying that you don't have a drinking problem, but want people's prayers that you don't get one after you go out to happy hour that night....people are so dumb. Luckly no one was responded to this person, but come on!

Oh, and we just had someone deliver a baby who was born in 1995. She just turned 15 a few months ago. That means she got pregnant at 14! Why is it that the young girls get pregnant so easy and then the rest of us who do everything right get punished? Ugh...

Coming to Terms

I have had a hard time this week dealing with the news that I go on Monday. It probably doesn't help that I've been alone all week either. Since my body has built a tolerance against Clomid we have run out of options at my OB's office. We now have to go to an RE and trying to come to peace with that is so hard.

I had a little intuition that Clomid wouldn't work for us, but each month I was so hopeful that it would. And now here I am out of options and having to go to a specialist. This is selfish of me, but I don't feel like we deserve what we're going through. We've done everything right so why are we being punished? It's just not fair that we have to go to a specialist. I hate asking for help this feels like the ultimate failure. We cannot even accomplish what our bodies were created to do

I know that one out of every six couples struggle with infertility, so it's relatively common, but I still can't help but wonder "why us?" I am so tired of feeling depressed and isolated. Everyone around me either has kids or is pregnant.

Hopefully our appointment in January will open new opportunities and give me answers as to why I am not ovulating.

Welcome to Holland

I read this story of the leader of the group that I was a part of's blog. Thought that I would share it as well since I really liked it.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Bad news

I finally got my progesterone levels back, and I didn't ovulate. My progesterone levels were only 6.6. It was my sixth round of Clomid and fourth on 150mg. Each time before on 150mg of Clomid I would ovulate everytime, but not this time. My doctor thinks that my body has built a tolerance against Clomid. She told me that I can try it one more month or go to an RE. We decided to go to an RE. We are going to make an appointment for January. Now I just need to call our insurance and see if they will atleast cover the diagnostic part of the RE exams/tests. Our insurance said they will cover infertility treatment as long as it is caused by a medical condition, and since I don't have any known causes, hopefully they will atleast cover the diagnostic part. It is so expensive.

It's so weird to me that I didn't ovulate. I had gotten to the point to where I thought I was on a good dosage of Clomid and I would ovulate every time. My only worry was that my doctor was going to kick me off Clomid before we were pregnant. I guess I was in for a real surprise. So now I am at work all alone. AJ is hunting, and all I want to do is cry myself to sleep but I can't. Here I am putting on a fake happy face for the entire world to see.

I actually thought that this month was going to be our month. According to the ovulation calendars I would have ovulated on my birthday and I had this big plan of not telling our families until Christmas morning. I was going to wrap up ultrasound pictures and have all the family open them up...so much for that plan. Now I am dreading the holidays again. I just want to go to bed and wake up in January. Can I skip Christmas please? I would much rather get away from life and go on a much needed vacation...anywhere...just away from here, family, infertility, work, and life in general.

With the results that I got today it feels like my entire world just stopped spinning and I am completely alone and don't know what to do. So here I go again: depressed, frustrated, alone, and waiting...the story of the infertile woman.