All. Over. Again.

Monday night it hit me. I am starting the infertility roller coaster all over again. After 6 rounds of Clomid, multiple blood draws, doctors appointments...followed by more, ultrasounds, pelvic exams, poking, prodding, and touching, I am starting all over again.

After hearing that I have "built a tolerance against Clomid" in November (which I now know is incorrect), we took almost a 5 month break from medicated trying. We decided to test fate, and see what would happen with a couple of months of no meds or doctors. Well we didn't get pregnant, and my cycle started to do weird things, so we called an RE.

I went to the first appointment absolutely terrified, yet excited.Terrified to hear some life altering diagnosis and to be dismissed for our age, but excited to get the opportunity to move on to different treatments and hopefully a very easily treated and minor cause for our infertility. I left the appointment excited and start and was floating on cloud 9. I told my mom and some friends everything that we will be doing, and ecstatic that we are taking the next step toward Baby Lathim.  On Friday the 18th (CD24), I went for my first blood draw to get a CBC, progesterone, and vit D reading. I was told that they would fax the results to my doctor, but I can also pick them up on Monday. So after a long excruciating wait until Monday, I get to work super early to be sure that I will have time to get to the lab, I wait in line behind a patient worried about missing her bus, then she digs through her purse, and continues yapping...Meanwhile there's me. I am sitting there tapping  my foot, looking around, sighing, and every so anxious to get my results. Finally it's my turn and they aren't ready yet. Then it hit me...I am starting this roller coaster all over again. I have a few people in my life that are a great support system, but I need more. So after crying to a couple of friends, and book shopping the next day, I think that I will be getting the support that I need. 

Now I have a wait another week or so for my next step. I will go in for my FSH/E2 test on the third day of my cycle (hurry!!!), and then on to my HSG and back to the doctor. So here we go, starting to go up that first hill on the roller coaster, only this time we don't know if it's going to be a wimpy fair roller coaster, or a terrifying, loopy, jerky, dangle me over an alligator pit kinda-thing.

Appointment, Friends, and Support, Oh My...

A lot has happened in the last month or so since my actual post. Same old story this month: not pregnant. However, this time I did something about it. I finally called to set up at appointment with an RE. We were going to go to ORM, but it turns out that they are out of network with our insurance so we are going to OHSU instead. Our appointment is on March 10th, and I am ready for it. Me and a friend went a did something that we always wanted to do....down there...It hurt like hell, but I'm glad that I finally did it. I also bought new fun socks. Hey, if the only thing that I will be wearing are socks, then I might as well wear cute ones. I am very excited about the 10th, but I'm also a little apprehensive about it. What if they find something wrong, then what are out options? Either way, I am looking forward to answers and to move on to the next step.

I hate it when people belittle my problems. Yesterday I went to lunch with a friend (keep in mind that she got pregnant on her first try...), and she was telling me that a friend of hers is struggling with infertility, but she is "having a harder time" than me because she's older. Honestly, my friend might has well have pushed me down and stomped on my stomach because that was the pain that I felt when she said that. Who is to say who's journey is harder? Especially, when you're on the outside with your baby happy as could be. I'm 24 and she is 38. She has age against her, but who knows what else? Who knows what I have against me? Infertility is considered a disease. It is a recognized and silent disease. Would you tell someone with a different disease that hers isn't bad because you know someone who is older with it? No. You empathize and listen, so why treat infertility any differently?

I also made a big step yesterday. I quit the online support group that I hate. I've been apart of it for about a year and everyone that I joined with is now pregnant, so it's just me and a bunch of new people who I really don't feel like I have a connection with. Then, yesterday afternoon I was pushed over the edge with one of the pregnant people on the forum asked those of us in an infertility support group if we have ever used a FHT monitor? No, you ignorant moron! So I got on there and explained why I was leaving. I said that I love the support from the people who found success with Clomid. They are inspiring and good for answering questions, but maybe it's more appropriate to ask pregnancy related questions to people on a pregnancy forum. Well then the entire forum blew up and 1/2 of the people were on my side and 1/2 were on the pregnant side. Everyone assumed that I was telling all pregnant people to leave when obviously I did not. So long story short, I decided to tell them what I think and move on. I figured that everyone from that group that I care about is on my facebook, so I really don't care if the rest hate me and think I am some terrible person. It felt so good to get it all out last night.

I love my Resolve support group, but for some reason I am always busy on the third Tuesday of every month. I miss the group, but it looks like I will have to wait until April now since my mom's birthday falls on the day, and a friend of mine is having a jewelry party that day, so yet again I will be missing out on my group meeting.

Well that's my update for now. Now it's off to bed so I can spend my day in the most fertile place in the world: The Family Birth Center...