Thursday, December 23, 2010

Emotional v. Physical

There's a fine line when it comes to deciding which is harder: physical or emotional struggles. I think for men the physical struggle is more of a challenge, but more of an accomplishment when they overcome it. As for women, I think it's oposite. We are always fighting an internal battle and we usually have to overcome it physcially before we emotionally feel better. I'm bringing this up because of what came up today. We got home from our first of four Christmases this year and we spent the night when my niece and nephew and I told AJ that I can't wait until March for the IUI. He told me that he can't wait to try naturally. A normal, healthy couple has a 22% chance of conceiving every month, and after of year of failing to conceive, you have about a 5% chance of conceiving every month. We have been emotionally trying to start a family for 15 months, but physically about 5 months since that it the time that I have been ovulating. He tries to remind me that we haven't been technically trying for a year yet, but I just don't think that he understands that I don't think that I have another 7 months in me of waiting to see if we conceive naturally. If you're emotionally drained, I would think that that would play a toll on your body and cause you to be physically drained as well. People tell me that I need to "not stress" (FYI- when you say that it makes every ounce of my being to not slap you...just a warning) because it is harder on my body. Well then I would most certainly think that emotional baggage would be the same way.

I guess it's not fair to choose which is harder, physical or emotional struggles, but for me I think it's the emotional baggage. Would I love to get pregnant the natural way? Definitely, but if we are not pregnant by March then we are definitely looking into the IUI. However, until then I am going to take an ovulation test every day to see if I am ovulating and hope for the best.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

So excited!!

I finally have hope and good news again! AJ and I went to the ORM seminar last night. I didn't want to go, but AJ did and I am so glad that we went. They presented a lot of information but at the end we were able to ask the doctor one on one questions. I told her that I was on Clomid for 6 cycles and that my OB told me that my body built a tolerance against it. She asked me what my levels were and I told her that when I was ovulating they were 20-35 each time and then when I stopped ovulating it was only 6.6. She told me that I definitely ovulated that last cycle just probably a little later than normal. She told me that they like to see anything above 1 but if it's about 3 then that's great. She told me that if I would have went in a few days later for my progesterone check, then my levels would be in the 30's again. She told me that I am a candidate for Clomid/IUI. I will make an appointment after the first of the year to get all of the prelim testing completed and we are hoping to get started on the Clomid/IUI around March. We figured that we are paying and choosing when to get pregnant (assuming that this will work the first time), we might as well choose when the baby would be due. If we start in March then it would be due around November/December. April would probably be better, but I just don't know if I can wait that long!

I am just so excited to get started on the next step, but now I just have to wait...

Monday, December 20, 2010

Nerves and Frustration

Last night at work we had a 14 year old come in that is 20+ weeks pregnant, and when she delivers she will still be 14. I am ten years older than her! She was born in 1996 and is having a baby. She is is middle school!!! Then there's me. I'm 24 years old, married, and not on welfare, and I cannot have a baby. She is in the hospital for DFM and I am making appointments at fertility clinics to go to seminars to hear about our next steps. Last night I was having a hard time dealing with this so I tried to do something that I never do. I reached out to a friend, and the friend I reached out to has been going through relationship issues and I have been there for every single thing offering a shoulder to cry on and someone to vent to, and when I reach out what does she say, "Oh, you don't want a crack baby." No, I don't want a crack baby. I want a baby and it's not fair that this 14 year old is having one and I am not. I may have made this friend mad because after she said that I told her what she needed to hear, but of course no one wants to hear it. She hasn't talked to me since. I'm ok with that right now because she kind of made me mad the last couple of days. I think we are just going through too many different hardships and are both stressed and depressed.  I'm sure we will be fine. She is one of my best friends.

Tomorrow night we are going to the seminar at Oregon Reproductive Medicine. I procrastinated on making the appointment until today because I've been nervous and in denile and I was hoping that I wouldn't need to go. Well I do... So I told my mom that we cannot make my brother's birthday dinner because we have somewhere to be. I think that she is thinking that it's something Christmas related with AJ's family, but it's just a seminar. I just told her where we were going, so hopefully that will help her understand. Even though I just emailed my mom to tell her, it's still hard to admit. I can write it in this blog all day because no one reads it, but having to admit to it makes it so much harder. Hopefully we will get some good information tomorrow and will be able to move on to the next step.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Rough couple of days

As I am sitting here writing this AJ's cousin is at the hospital in labor with their first child. Although, I am excited for them,  they are the one couple in the whole entire world that I am happy for, but it still doesn't make it any easier. They have been waiting for this days for over two years. They tried for two years and now they are having their baby. I am genuinely happy for them, but at the same time it hurts so bad. I would give anything to be in their situation and to have the entire family waiting for me to deliver. She has an entourage of people waiting, which I'm not sure how I would feel about, and is experiencing the most exciting moment of her life. I cannot wait and hope that someday I will get to experience the one of a kind experience of delivering a baby.

Meanwhile, this day I also find out that some friends of ours are having a baby boy. She is 20 weeks pregnant and found out today. She and her husband tried for 6 months, and apparently, they know what we're going through with waiting to get pregnant. Actually, you don't know, but I guess thanks for trying to sympathize.

This holiday season has been extra rough on me and yesterday when I was on Facebook, the husband of the infamous "fertile Mertyle" announced that if you want to get excited for the holidays again "then have a kid." Can I PLEASE take his head and his wife's and bang them together....very hard. Between his ignorant wife thinking that it's appropriate to announce that you're a fertile Mertyle, and the just-as-ignorant husband says that "all you have to do" is have a kid. Guess what, some of us aren't as "blessed" to get "accidentally" pregnant like you. Some of us try and try and seek fertility treatment, and guess what you dear ignorant couple, we cannot just "have a kid." Some of us also loved the holidays and would be so excited and elated this time of year, but since we cannot "just have a kid," the holiday season has never been so painful in all my life. So thank you for rubbing your fertile successes in my fertile failure face...thanks.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Lost Control

I am sitting here at my computer writing this post because I have completely lost control of my body. First I can't get pregnant or ovulate and now I can't run. I try to do everything right, yet somehow I get disappointed again. I know that I am extra prone to injuries (I have no idea why...), so I started running short distances and taking it easy. Over a period of four weeks I increased by runs to 3.1 miles long and I only run 3-4 times a week, and now here I am with an injured achilles...again. It's just not fair that I can do everything right and still be let down. I can't get pregnant and AJ and I have a happy, healthy marriage, own a house, have jobs, and are perfectly content. However, a high school girl; an unemployed, welfare mom;  an abusive family; or a drug user can get pregnant without any issues. Why does it happen to the undeserving so easily, yet those of us who deserve a family cannot achieve it?

Then there's running. There are the people who are not runners, or are overweight, or don't run correctly, or have terrible running gear and they never get injured. I just want to know why I have to have so many issues. I am healthy, not overweight, and just trying to exercise and I somehow get injured. I am not out there doing speed work or hill repeats, I am just running. I am running at a 9:30 mile pace and here I am: crippled...again.

I just want control of my body. I want it to do one thing that it is supposed to do. With all of the baby stuff going on in our lives it felt so good to be out running. It was a way to get away from the frustrations and to feel good about myself, and now I am a failure at another thing.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Holidays

I gave in and decorated on Wednesday. I felt bad for AJ and people that came over and didn't want to ruin anyone's holiday season with my depressed holiday-less house, so I decorated. I didn't do very much; just a couple of knick-knacks placed around. But I'm still not listening to Christmas music. So I'm still "bam-humbugging" it up.

I have also been extra depressed lately, but I think it's because I'm tired of pregnant friends and friends with babies. I am tired of the holidays and I am tired of being at a stand still waiting for January to take the next step in our journey. Last night we went out with some friends who do not have babies so it was great. They are officially our new couple friends.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

bah humbug...

Usually I am a complete holiday nut. I decorate as early as possible and I practically bounce off the walls until the day after the holiday when I have the not-so-fun task of undecorating. Well, this year, it's an entire different situation. Last year when I was decorating I told AJ that next year when I do this I will have to put everything up higher because we will have a little one crawling around, well here we are 12 months later and 15 months of trying to start a family and we aren't even close. We don't even have a plan of what we are doing next to try to get pregnant. All we know is that we are seeing a specialist in January.  I just want the holidays to go away. I want to go on vacation and not come back until after all of the holidays are over. I hate this year. Most of our friends either got pregnant or had a baby in 2010 and what did we do? We took Clomid until I became immune to it. Actually, now that I am thinking about it, I think that out of all of our married friends we are the only ones who do not have kids and/or are pregnant.

Thanksgiving was on this past Thursday and usually I hate Thanksgiving, but I enjoy spending time with family and eating the world's best pie. This year was different. It took everything in me to stay positive, smile, and not try while eating turkey and watching everyone enjoy the beginning of the holiday season. Not only are we the only ones out of our friends who do not have kids, but we are now the only ones in the family that do not have kids also. Well technically one of AJ's cousins does not have kids, but she is pregnant and due anytime now, so yes, I think it's fair to say that we are the only ones who do not have kids/are not pregnant. I am so tired of being depressed and alone, but unfortunately I do not have many people to talk to. I like my support group, but I am kind of tired of telling my story there, and really all I want is to release my frustrations and have people who understand infertility listen and offer advice. I also feel as if I do not quite fit in with this group either because everyone is older and has been trying for a lot longer than we have. Maybe I should start my own group?

Anyway, back to the holidays...I do not want to decorate this year. I do not want to get a tree. I do not want to go to the family functions. Instead, I want to lay in bed and throw myself the pity party of the year while reading celebrity gossip magazines. Everyone is so excited for the holidays this year, well maybe they are every year, but this year because I'm not I guess I notice it more. When ever I see a house with it's Christmas lights, or a car driving down the road with a tree on it's top, or people decorating their houses, it makes me wonder "how are you happy?" I guess when you're depressed it's easy to get lost in that and assume that everyone else is as miserable. I might put pine cones in my bowl in the table, but I do not think that I am going to decorate. AJ is making me get a tree, so I guess we have to do that, but if I had my way we wouldn't. Maybe we can compromise and get a little tiny tree to sit on our coffee table?

Today I went to the Christmas Bazaar trying to get in the holiday spirit. Instead it depressed me even more and made me want to leave...far, far away for the next 4 weeks. I want to go somewhere tropical so Christmas isn't everywhere...absolutely everywhere... What's extra hard is that I am always so upbeat, that I feel that I need to continue to stay positive because I hate making people around me miserable.

I need a friend. I need an infertile friend who I can confide in during this difficult time. I need an infertile friend who does not have kids...Oh, and an infertile friend who is not Christian.

I am tired of being alone and this holiday season is just reminding me how alone I really am. AJ wants to be there for me, but he just doesn't understand how hard it is to deal with being infertile.

This year I hate the holiday season..bah humbug....

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Keeping notes so I don't forget.

I am going to make an appointment for January to see an RE, and I know that it is so easy to get overwhelmed in a doctor's office, so I am just going to keep notes so I can reference them before I leave for my appointment.

Well I did not ovulate on my fourth cycle of 150mg of Clomid, yet miraculously my monthly enemy showed up right on time on day 35 with a normal flow. Now I know it's possible to get your period without ovulating, but is it normal to get it right on time? It seems like I should have been late...at least by a little bit?  Well I guess that I will just have to wait a couple of months to know more.

"Fertile Myrtle"

I have reached an all new low of hatred of fertile people, well those who are inconsiderate of the infertile. There is a girl, who I really have never been a huge fan of, but now she is officially on my list of people that I really couldn't care less if she fell off the face of the Earth. This is the same girl (well one of them) that we went bowling with who was pregnant at the time, and the entire time kept complaining about how uncomfortable she is and how she can eat anything she wants because she is "eating for two." Here I am, 4 months into our trying to conceive journey with two "fertile myrtles" (both "accidentally" got pregnant. One was not on birth control, yet was surprised that she was pregnant- seriously, how dumb and ignorant can one person be?) And the girl (AKA inspiration of this blog post) evidently got pregnant by complete surprise with a condom that broke. Do I believe her for a second? Absolutely not. Considering that she and her new husband had only been married for a couple of months, and throughout her entire engagement (Well, I should use the word "entire" carefully, considering that they met, dated, and got married all within a year) mentioned that she wanted babies ASAP. And as a "shocker" to us all, she ended up pregnant ASAP.

Well now the "inspiration" girl is on Facebook every single freaking day complaining about being tired, hungry, sick, or having a sick baby. However, she had to get a mole on her pinkie toe removed and kept calling it "surgery," so clearly this girl's judgement on what being "sick" is, is a little impaired. So today this umm..incredibly intelligent girl, updated her Facebook status to "fertile Myrtle." Of course everyone is commenting asking if she is trying to tell us something, and this complete idiot states, "Don't worry, I'm just reminding myself." What kind of complete moron has to publicly announce that she is a fertile Myrtle? Do you actually feel the need to post to the whole world that you need to take your birth control or to remember to use a condom? Come on, stupid girl...

Some of us are doing everything that we can and still cannot get pregnant, as if that's not hard enough (emotionally and physically), we now have to deal with the ignorant and the insane on Facebook who feels that it is not only interesting, but also appropriate to announce that she is a "fertile Myrtle." Am I probably a little too sensitive? That may be the case, but it is still not only inappropriate, but just plain dumb to update your Facebook status to "Fertile Myrtle."

I think it is also fair to complain about the fact that her mom had to remind her on Facebook to take her birth control pill? Seriously, "stupid girl," how does that make you feel when your mom reminds you for the whole world to see, that she does not want to see you procreate? Now that kind of makes me happy...

Maybe I should update mine to "Infertile Myrtle?" I guess that would be a good way to open up...

Monday, November 15, 2010

Opening Up

My goal is to open up a little more about our struggle with infertility. I feel that if I tell more people I will be able to cope with it myself and will have friends to confide it, but openning up is so hard for me. I know that it is a common thing and nothing that I am actually doing wrong, but still it's such a personal and intense battle that it's scary to allow other people in. Although, I'm sure that most infertile people feel that way which is why I seem so alone, and that's probably also why insurance companies feel that they can not cover infertility treatment because so few people open up about it.

Yesterday I told a friend that we are being sent to a specialist. I didn't tell her much more because I knew that I would end up crying, but just getting that out really helped and made me feel better. I just need to learn to open up...

This next issue doesn't have anything to do with opening up, but I need to get it out! I am a part of an online support group and all of the ladies on in are struggling with infertility and are all on Clomid or pursing IUIs and IVF. Well this new lady joined who said that she was 33 years old and has been married for 17 years (so evidently she got married at 16), has three kids 3 years old-15 years old, and she and her husband have always wanted a big family, so they went on Clomid to increase their chances of conceiving twins. She wants our thoughts with her and to people to pray for her even though she doesn't have fertility problems. Are you kidding me!? The audacity that that lady has. That's like going to an AA meeting and saying that you don't have a drinking problem, but want people's prayers that you don't get one after you go out to happy hour that night....people are so dumb. Luckly no one was responded to this person, but come on!

Oh, and we just had someone deliver a baby who was born in 1995. She just turned 15 a few months ago. That means she got pregnant at 14! Why is it that the young girls get pregnant so easy and then the rest of us who do everything right get punished? Ugh...

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Coming to Terms

I have had a hard time this week dealing with the news that I go on Monday. It probably doesn't help that I've been alone all week either. Since my body has built a tolerance against Clomid we have run out of options at my OB's office. We now have to go to an RE and trying to come to peace with that is so hard.

I had a little intuition that Clomid wouldn't work for us, but each month I was so hopeful that it would. And now here I am out of options and having to go to a specialist. This is selfish of me, but I don't feel like we deserve what we're going through. We've done everything right so why are we being punished? It's just not fair that we have to go to a specialist. I hate asking for help this feels like the ultimate failure. We cannot even accomplish what our bodies were created to do

I know that one out of every six couples struggle with infertility, so it's relatively common, but I still can't help but wonder "why us?" I am so tired of feeling depressed and isolated. Everyone around me either has kids or is pregnant.

Hopefully our appointment in January will open new opportunities and give me answers as to why I am not ovulating.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Welcome to Holland

I read this story of the leader of the group that I was a part of's blog. Thought that I would share it as well since I really liked it.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Bad news

I finally got my progesterone levels back, and I didn't ovulate. My progesterone levels were only 6.6. It was my sixth round of Clomid and fourth on 150mg. Each time before on 150mg of Clomid I would ovulate everytime, but not this time. My doctor thinks that my body has built a tolerance against Clomid. She told me that I can try it one more month or go to an RE. We decided to go to an RE. We are going to make an appointment for January. Now I just need to call our insurance and see if they will atleast cover the diagnostic part of the RE exams/tests. Our insurance said they will cover infertility treatment as long as it is caused by a medical condition, and since I don't have any known causes, hopefully they will atleast cover the diagnostic part. It is so expensive.

It's so weird to me that I didn't ovulate. I had gotten to the point to where I thought I was on a good dosage of Clomid and I would ovulate every time. My only worry was that my doctor was going to kick me off Clomid before we were pregnant. I guess I was in for a real surprise. So now I am at work all alone. AJ is hunting, and all I want to do is cry myself to sleep but I can't. Here I am putting on a fake happy face for the entire world to see.

I actually thought that this month was going to be our month. According to the ovulation calendars I would have ovulated on my birthday and I had this big plan of not telling our families until Christmas morning. I was going to wrap up ultrasound pictures and have all the family open them up...so much for that plan. Now I am dreading the holidays again. I just want to go to bed and wake up in January. Can I skip Christmas please? I would much rather get away from life and go on a much needed vacation...anywhere...just away from here, family, infertility, work, and life in general.

With the results that I got today it feels like my entire world just stopped spinning and I am completely alone and don't know what to do. So here I go again: depressed, frustrated, alone, and waiting...the story of the infertile woman.

Friday, November 5, 2010

And I wait some more...

I went in Wednesday for my progesterone check and the levels still aren't back yet. Now I have to wait all weekend! You would think on things like that they would run them stat since I wait and suffer the entire month for those results and then 2 weeks later for the pregnancy test results. I hope they have them Monday because it's going to be a loooong weekend.

Just another thing, I am going to a wedding tomorrow night, actually I am in it, and the bride told me that she is going off of birth control once they get married because they don't want to go through what I've gone through. I swear if they get pregnant before me....

Anyway, here's to the start of an excruciatingly long weekend.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Today's Infertility Struggle

Today has just been one of those days. First I went to the doctor's office to get my progesterone check done. I hope to hear back tomorrow but it probably won't be until Friday. I hope that I ovulated! I have been the last 3 months, so I'm sure I did this time. I am hoping that it worked this time since I ovulated sometime around my birthday it would be a perfect birthday present! I think it would be fun to wait until the holidays to tell our families. Maybe wrap it in a box for everyone to open a picture of an ultrasound. I would love that!

After the doctor's appointment I went to lunch with a friend and we decided to hit the Nordstrom half-yearly sale. All I want to do is to be able to shop in their super cute baby area and sometimes I will browse through it when I am alone, but you cannot walk through a department in that store without someone trying to help you. Just let me browse and dream, people!

And finally during the evening we went to AJ's sister's house and had a late birthday dinner with everyone and AJ's mom, grandma and her husband. And of course we were asked when we are going to have a baby. I hate that question because I never know how to answer it. Should I answer it as "soon" or "hopefully soon" or "I don't know." I just said the last response and then AJ told them that we have been trying for over a year and of course that got everyone talking about what "works." AJ's mom's husband said that he knew someone that tried for a while and conceived once she got off fertility medications....I hate it when people say those kinds of things. Luckly AJ had everyone change the subject quickly because I do not handle it well.

While at dinner AJ's mom complained that we don't ever send her pictures. What the heck would we send her pictures of...our selves? We don't have kids, so I suppose we could send pictures of our pets, but that is just weird. Ugh...

I did hold my neice tonight which was a big accomplishment for me. I want to be close with her and start the relationship early so part of me tells me to just put my emotions to the side and be apart of her life, but another part tells me that I am just not strong enough to do that.

So here we are just waiting. The story of our lives: waiting. Wait, wait, wait....

Friday, October 29, 2010

My Issues and Frustrations

Here is when you know you are going crazy when dealing with infertility: you are mad at your flat stomach. What kind of woman gets mad at a flat stomach?!

I was getting ready yesterday morning and I pushed my stomach out to see what I might look like pregnant and when I let it go it was flat. I was actually disappointed. Believe me, I do not want a fat stomach and after I am done having kids I want my flat stomach, but right now I want a cute round one! I have problems...

I am so tired of hearing people talk about waiting for labor...try waiting for pregnancy! A coworker was telling me that she knows "all about waiting" since she had to be induced with all four of her kids. People do not know what waiting is until you wait and hope for your infertile self to get pregnant.

A friend that I went to school with from kindergarten on is pregnant and over due. After talking to her yesterday, I found out that she tried for 3 years to get pregnant. I am always happy for those who get pregnant after dealing with infertility. They don't make me near as depressed. I am actually genuinely happy for her.

Monday, October 25, 2010

"How to Handle the Ignorant and the Insane"

In the book I am reading, A Few Good Eggs, they have a section about what friends/family should never say/ask to a couple struggling with infertility. Is it rude to photocopy this section and hand it to everyone I know and maybe even a few people that I pass on the street? The follow things are all things that I have been asked multiple timesand they are all listed in the book.

1. Just don't think about it, and it will happen!
2. Maybe you're trying to hard  (If you say this, it will make me want to cause you pain...just a friendly warning)
3. But I bet it's fun trying!
4. Just start to adopt-- then you'll get pregnant! That happened to my friend.
5. You're really lucky-- you can do anything you want. We never get to go out anymore.
6. Don't worry, you're still young. (See my response to number 2)
7. Why do you want kids anyway?
8. Did you ever think about adopting?
9. Pregnancy is easy for me. I'll be your surrogate. (Followed by a self-deprecating giggle). (FYI- saying all my husband has to do it look at me and I'll get pregnant is the same thing...)
10. Anything new on the baby front? (See reponse to number 2)
11. Are you keep your legs up after sex?  (Are you getting too personal? yup)
12. Are you getting drunk before sex?
13. Is your husband wearing loose underwear?
14. Are you taking your temperature?
15. Are you using an ovulation predictor test?
16. Are you doing it doggy style? That worked for us! (See response to number 11)
17. Are you doing it in public? That worked for us! (See response to number 11)
18. You should have more sex. (If we did it anymore we wouldn't be able to work, eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom, but thanks for the moronic suggestion)
19. It's probably for the best. (See response to number 2)
20. Don't worry, you'll get pregnant soon. (See response to number 2)
21. You probably need a vacation.
22. I get pregnant when I look at my husband.
23. Give it time. (See reponse to number 2 only multiply the pain by 300)

The one that takes the cake for me happened early this year. AJ and I had been TTC for probably 4 or 5 months with zero results and we were invited to go bowling with some friends. We are bowling with our friends who got married 2 weeks before us (who were also 'accidently' pregnant...probably 8 weeks along), and our friend's brother and sister-in-law who were probably 25-30 weeks pregnant. Being the only non pregnant/the only one actually trying to get pregnant in a group of pregnant people is the most gut-wrenching pain you can imagine. I was being my perky self. And trying not to notice my pregnant friends when my friend's brother asked when we were going to have a baby. We told him that we were trying and having problems and he said, "Well here's what you need to do. You need to get in a big fight and storm out. Then when you come home later have make-up sex and you will get pregnant." It took every ounce in my being to not chuck my bowling ball at his face. But instead, this is when I was still a nice TTC'er, and actually cared about other's opinion and smiled and said, "thanks for the suggestion." I just dare him to say that to me now. I'm not near as nice as I was 10 months ago.

Here's what people should say, "I don't want to keep asking about the baby stuff. Just know that whenever you want to talk I'm here." Can I make this a magnet and put it on all my friends' refridgerators? Maybe I will make it a key chain too. That way they will have a reminder when they are not home.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Age and Frustration

I can't sleep tonight so I decided that I would write about what's irritating me, also it's National Writing Day so it couldn't be a better time.

I joined a support group through a local church in September and we meet every Tuesday. I like the ladies in my group, but we don't exactly have the same faith viewpoint, so it gets a little frustrating, but I let it roll off and don't say what I am thinking. Then, the third Tuesday of every month we meet in Portland for a Resolve meeting which is great. It's a nationwide group of an eclectic variety of people. I absolutely love this group. There is everyone from the single woman, the lesbian couple, non-religious people, and then my group. Although I feel like I can open up more in the Resolve group because I don't feel so judged, I still sometimes get the "you're young so don't worry" kind of a treatment every once in a while, which is mostly from the normal Tuesday church group.

Yes, I am young. I am ten days shy of 24, but does that really make it any less hard on me? When a couple decides to start a family they want it then. No one goes into starting a family as "well let's practice for a few years, and if we get pregnant in that time that's fine, but whatever..." No, when you decide to start a family this uncontrollable urge and desire to become a mother and a family takes over every ounce of your being.

I am not the typical early to mid twenty something. I never have been the same as other people my age. I am in my twenties, but a huge majority of my friends are in their late twenties to mid thirties, with a few late thirties/early forties. Even out of my friends that are my age, most of them have kids and/or are pregnant. I do not party. I don't drink. I am mellow. I am happy and content in my marriage. The only thing I occasionally do is go to happy hour with my friends (who all have kids....) But I love the daily routine of our lives together, so is it really that outrageous that I want to have a baby now?

In my opinion it's even scarier to me that I am not getting pregnant. The people who start trying in their mid thirties are taking a risk. After age 35 getting pregnant and carrying a healthy baby to term is more of a challenge. So here I am, almost 24, I have been trying for 14 months to get pregnant and nothing. I am in my early/mid twenties and seeking infertility treatment. I should be in prime reproductive age, but I'm not, so who knows, maybe this will go on until I am 35.

I am willing to bet that those people who started trying in their thirties wish they would have started earlier. Maybe it's a blessing that we are starting young because it gives us a lot higher of a probability of getting pregnant.

So please don't ask me how old I am because I "look really young." I am grieving, failing, seeking, and hoping just like you, and just because I am young does not make it any easier. I guess the only thing that I have on my side is that I am more time before I am in that high-risk, advanced maternal age, category.

I would not wish infertility on anyone, so to those who judge, please don't belittle my problem and I will not point fingers are you. Everyone of us who has been classified as infertile has experienced the same let downs, bad news, and failure month after month, and age really shouldn't have anything to do with how someone feels. As long has a couple has been together for sometime and is committed, then why do people feel the need in interject their mindless opinions? I will not judge you for what you are, so please do not judge me for what I am. I will, however, judge you for what you do.

On to my frustration rant- I am thinking about leaving the church group that I am apart of. I like meeting people and hopefully gaining friendships with people experiencing what I am and people who I can bounce ideas and questions off of, but I am really started to second guess if it is the right fit for me. We are reading a book about coming to the end of trying to conceive and making peace with infertility. That is not me at all. I am still on the beginning stages of it so I need to read books that tell me people's personal stories of struggle that leads to success with all of the nitty gritty details included. I do not need to read about giving up. I don't like that we pray at every meeting twice, and I don't like giving my prayer request at the end because I feel like I am lying. Plus, I did not like the way one of the group members acted with a lesbian couple at the Resolve meeting. I hate how very Christian people feel like they are sent to Earth to be the police of all people and pass judgement because they are not the same. Guess what, Hitler did that too... I'm not comparing Christians to Hitler at all, but judging people for what they are is not your place in this society.

I like the girls in the group so I don't want to leave them. I just have a lot of thinking about and decide what is the best fit for me.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Waiting Game

I seen a commercial today that said that pregnancy is all about waiting. You wait 9 months for labor and then hours for the baby to deliver, well I think that they forgot about the other waiting-- the waiting to get pregnant. To those of us who have to wait, try, and desire for their baby, the waiting for the little pink lines is excruciating.

You wait for the the right moment in your life
You wait for the first few months to excitedly wait for your period to see if you're pregnant
You wait for the doctor's appointments to figure out why you're not "normal"
You wait for the test results
You wait for the prescriptions
You wait for the two blue lines on the ovulation tests
You wait for your period again
You wait for 3 long minutes for the pregnancy test because you're tired of waiting for your period
You wait for your period to start the medication again for the two pink lines are unattainable.
You wait, and wait, and wait...and time and time again you wait for uncontrollable failures.

So for those people who wait the oh-so-long 9 months for your baby put yourselves in the other half's shoes. The shoes of the infertile couple who want what you so effortlessly achieved more than you can possibly even imagine. Having a baby is exciting and people should be excited, but I really don't feel bad for your long 9 months. Enjoy the experience and the short and few times in your life that you get to experience what less than half the world will ever get the chance too.

Now I am waiting for the end of the year. If we are not pregnant by the end of December I am going to talk to AJ about getting to vericosele surgery to increase his sperm count, hopefully we will not have to take that step, but if that's what's stopping us from achieving the "9 month wait," then we need to fix that.

Infertility and waiting can take it out of the most patient and understanding couple, but imagine because impatient and type-A and not being able to wait the wait that beings the ultimate gift.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Expectant Mother's Parking

I went to the mall on Tuesday and parked in the "expectant mother's parking" just out of spite and it's felt good. First of all, I am an expectant mother. Someday I expect to be a mother, therefore, that makes me "expectant." Secondly, if you're pregnant and have the ability to walk through the mall, you're certainly more than capable of walking through the parking lot. Thirdly, when you're pregnant it's good to walk, so consider me parking in the expectant mother spot my good deed for the day.

Beginning of our journey: the emotions.

Rumor has it that 1 of out every 6 couples struggle with infertility, yet it does not seem that common. It's such a private struggle and a feeling of such intense failure that people do not come out and tell their stories, which does not help the 1 of us out of every 6 couples feel any better. I think that if it was more of a discussed topic then insurance plans would probably cover it, and those of us who are struggling would have a lot more people to open up to about our emotions, pain, and experiences.

After a couple months of trying I was starting to slowly climb the emotional roller coaster. It wasn't until after four months of trying when some friends who got married 2 week before us, told us that they were accidently pregnant. That is when I went down that first big drop on the infertility roller coaster. I didn't realize how bad I wanted it until someone else effortless gained what we have been striving for. I also don't think that my friends and family who knew that we were trying realized how much it hurt me. It was if someone just hit the wind out of me and I didn't know how to retrieve it. Then, just as I was started to deal with that, AJ's sister told us that they were pregnant with their second one. That day I just layed and bed and didn't want to move. I didn't want to see, hear, or talk to anyone. Really, I just wanted to throw my own little pity party, until I had to move on.

Right in the midst of our Clomid failures, I was asked to throw AJ's sister a baby shower. Considering that she is probably the nicest person in the world, I couldn't not do it. Throwing that party was when I learned that I cannot attend, throw, or even think about baby showers. A baby shower and an infertile person is a terrible combination.

I didn't like to be around my pregnant friends and family because seeing their growing bellies, the excitement of setting up the baby nurseries, picking out names, and hearing their pregnant stories was just getting punched in the chest. I know that no one would hurt me like that intentionally, but until a person struggles with infertility, it is a pain that no one was understand, relate, or soothe away.

In July I visited my new niece and AJ's sister in the hospital when she delivered. Although it was hard, it was my niece, and I was excited to meet her. I went there. I held her and I did ok. Even though I was depressed when I got home, it was nice to know that I had my very first niece.

Then in August, just two days before our 1 year anniversary of trying to get pregnant, our friends had their baby girl. AJ was excited because his best friend of 22 years had a baby, and I don't think he realized how hard it was on me. We go to the hospital (I didn't want to go this time) and we see her. She is handed to me and I have to do everything in my power to not cry or tear up. I sit down with the baby and then I get right back up and hand her to AJ because I just couldn't do it. This baby was conceived 4 months after we started trying and now she's here, and we aren't even close...

On August 15, our 1 year anniversary of trying to get pregnant, this entire new emotion took over my body. It was a feeling of hatred towards myself, a hatred towards anyone who "accidently" gets pregnant, a hatred for any undeserving mother, jealously, physical pain, emotional pain, and frustration. I just wanted to pull away from everyone and live under a rock where I don't have to see or hear anyone who is pregnant or has a baby.

I don't like holding babies or being around them because it's just a constant reminder as to what I cannot obtain. Even my niece, who once was the one baby I could be around, I have no desire to hold her because it actually hurts me. Our friends' baby I hadn't seen since the day she was delivered until this last week. That was one of the most gut wrenching experiences of my life. First of all I am with the friends that we always talked about having kids around the same time with so that our kids could be life long friends just that AJ and his friend. Plus, the fact that she was an "accident" is a completely different issue. How people "accidently" get pregnant is beyond me, but apparently they do.

When we went to their house I has on a constant verge of tears the entire time, and I could not wait to go home. I was afraid to talk, breathe, or even look at the baby because I knew it wouldn't take much to make me break down. At one point I had to go to the "bathroom" to pull myself together and there was a picture of their baby in the bathroom!? Who put's their baby's picture above the toilet!? There was so escaping. Then after dinner, the baby's dad tries to get me to hold her. I told him no and he kept trying to push her on me. Luckly AJ took her, but I cannot hold a baby. At all.

I joined a support group through a local church which I have mixed emotions about. First of all, I love having people to relate to and can gain through their experiences, seek advice, and just get the raw emotions out once a week, but at the same time it is a Christain based group, which means nothing to be. When someone says that they will pray for me, it honestly means nothing. Thank you for thinking about me and wanting what I want, but please don't pray, it honestly just frustrates me. Plus, all of the women in the group are a lot further in their journey than I am, so sometimes I feel like I shouldn't say anything because I am still on Clomid...the first step everyone who experiences infertility takes.

I started this blog to just release any frustrations and emotions that I have. It's a journal to me. And who knows, maybe with time I will allow people to read it.

Beginning of our journey: the facts.

In August of 2009, two years into our marriage, a year after living in our new house, we figured that the next logical step to our lives together was to start a family. So August 15, 2009 I got off the pill. We were ecstatic. I wanted to yell from a roof top that we were starting our family, but instead I settled on telling all of our friends and family. Looking back I don't know if that was my best decision or not. Whenever someone asks how it's going I poor my heart out and tell he/she probably more than he/she really cares to know. But at the same time, I hate failure and people seeing me struggle, so would I have told all of the people that I told if I knew that I know now...I don't know.

When I got off the pill we thought that everything was going to work out perfectly. The baby would have been born at the perfect time of year, and everything in our lives would be just right. In September when I started my period I didn't really care. Although, I would rather it not be there and be pregnant instead, I looked at it as a good thing and figured that at least I am adjusting to getting off the pill smoothly. Needless to say, that did  not continue... October rolled around and no period. November, December, and January: nothing. I knew from all of the research that I have done that when you're under thirty-five you should wait a year before seeking medical help, but when I went four months with no period, I figured that there must be something wrong. I made an appointment to establish an OB and figure everything out and in February is when my whole entire world was turned upside-down.

After being poked, proded, examed, and questionned, we found out that I do not ovulate on my own. Even though in February of 2010 I started a period (quite the accomplishment....), I still was not ovulating. So my doctor  wanted to start me on Provera (induces period) and 50mg of Clomid (induces ovulation), but first she wanted to make sure we were not dealing with two issues, so she referred AJ to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) aka Fertility Specialist to do a sperm analysis. His results came back fairly low (20 million and anything below 20 million is considered low), so we were then referred to a urologist. He had another date with a cup and the same results same back. A slightly low sperm count, but the quality was perfect, so the urologist said that he does not see any problems with his ability to get me pregnant and he gave us the go ahead to use Clomid.  I was excited to have a little jump start and to start my medication. I did more research online (I'm very guilty of that...) and even found out that a friend of mine had to use Clomid to get pregnant and she now has unbelievably cute 3 year old twins from her first round of Clomid.

While I was waiting to start my 50mg of Clomid we went to the beach and I made my way to the Coach Factory Store and found a unisex Coach diaper bag. I figured that I would buy it since it was such a good deal and I was going to get pregnant that month-- of course, I would. I am on Clomid, what else would happen? On the 11th day of my cycle I went in for an ultrasound and I had three big folliciles so the OB tech told me that I should ovulate soon. Then on the 21st day of my cycle I went in for my very first progesterone check to see if I ovulated. I went in confident and felt that I definitely ovulated. A couple of days later my doctor calls me to tell me that my ultrasound looked great, and I have no known medical conditions, but I did not ovulate. So she increased my dosage to 100mg and wrote my another prescription for Provera.

This time on the 100mg of Clomid I decided that I would take a ovulate test every morning and track my basal body temperature to help track my ovulation. I think it was cycle day 11 or 12 when I took my morning ovulation test and I had two blue lines! I ovulated!! Then the next morning I took it again (just our of curiosity) and two blue lines again! And again the next morning when I took my temperature my temp increased which is what is supposed to happen 24-48 hours after ovulation. Well again on the 21st day of my cycle I went in for my progesterone check and my progesterone levels were at 1.6 (they need to be above ten for proof of ovulation), so she gave us the option of going to 150mg of Clomid or referring us back to the RE. At that point I was mad at Clomid and didn't want to take it ever again, so I decided to make an appointment to see the RE. Well when we couldn't get in for over a month and when I told told that it would cost $300 just to walk in the door and talk with the doctor and any additional test/exam would be seperate (insurance doesn't cover infertility unless it is caused by a medical condition), I decided to give Clomid one more try since it cost $20 and insurance covers all of the follow up needed with it, so I called my doctor back and asked her to write me another prescription for Provera and the 150mg of Clomid.

When I started the 150mg of Clomid I decided that I was not going to take the ovulation tests or track my temperature since they both lie. I figured that we would just do what we are supposed to do, when we are supposed to do it, and then on cycle day 21, I would go in for my usual progesterone levels. Well to my surprise and with the help of 150mg of Clomid, I ovulated!!!! My progesterone levels were 11.6. When I found out two weeks later that I was not pregnant I was okay with that because at least I ovulated and could take the 150mg of Clomid again.

When I took the next cycle of Clomid (after my period started on it's own! No more Provera for me!) and went in for my progesterone check my levels were 23.32! I couldn't believe it! The nurse told me that if I needed the next month's cycle of Clomid to let her know, but she didn't think that I would need it with those progesterone levels. I called AJ and my mom and told them the good news. Well two weeks later my world came to a screeching halt when again, I was not pregnant.

So that brings us to where we are now. I took the 150mg of Clomid...again...and I ovulated...again...with progesterone levels of 35.03. I was cramping for a little over a week and just knew that I was pregnant, well nice and early, my monthly "gift" presented herself. I will start the next 150mg cycle of Clomid next week, but who knows how long my doctor will allow me to stay on it.

Little intuition

You know that little voice in your head that tells you something is wrong? Well, I've had that obnoxious voice since I was in high school when I got on the birth control pill. I took that infamous little while pill every single day, on time, never a second late, yet I had that inner voice telling me that I was wasting my time and that I don't even need the pill. I told AJ time and time again that my biggest fear is that I am wasting my time on the birth control pill because I never even needed it, well apparently my little intuition was right.

Don't get me wrong, when I was young, ignorant, and in high school, even though deep down I heard that voice, I just knew that I would be the 1% that gets pregnant on the birth contol pill. Well needless to say I was not that 1% that got pregnant, I was one of the 99% that do not get pregnant. That was the only time regarding my reproductive health that I was one of the ordinary.

I hated that pill. I absolutely hated it. I hated taking it every day. I hated living the first half of my day staring at the clock waiting for my time to take the pill. Most of all I hated what it did to me. However, I didn't know that feelings that I was experiencing were from the pill at all. I found that out shortly after I got off of the it. I was on that pill for five long years of my life. Five years that if I could go back, I definitely not have taken that pill and would have made more responsible decisions. But I cannot go back, so now we are stuck trying to find our way through infertility and how to start the rest of our lives.