Emotional v. Physical

There's a fine line when it comes to deciding which is harder: physical or emotional struggles. I think for men the physical struggle is more of a challenge, but more of an accomplishment when they overcome it. As for women, I think it's oposite. We are always fighting an internal battle and we usually have to overcome it physcially before we emotionally feel better. I'm bringing this up because of what came up today. We got home from our first of four Christmases this year and we spent the night when my niece and nephew and I told AJ that I can't wait until March for the IUI. He told me that he can't wait to try naturally. A normal, healthy couple has a 22% chance of conceiving every month, and after of year of failing to conceive, you have about a 5% chance of conceiving every month. We have been emotionally trying to start a family for 15 months, but physically about 5 months since that it the time that I have been ovulating. He tries to remind me that we haven't been technically trying for a year yet, but I just don't think that he understands that I don't think that I have another 7 months in me of waiting to see if we conceive naturally. If you're emotionally drained, I would think that that would play a toll on your body and cause you to be physically drained as well. People tell me that I need to "not stress" (FYI- when you say that it makes every ounce of my being to not slap you...just a warning) because it is harder on my body. Well then I would most certainly think that emotional baggage would be the same way.

I guess it's not fair to choose which is harder, physical or emotional struggles, but for me I think it's the emotional baggage. Would I love to get pregnant the natural way? Definitely, but if we are not pregnant by March then we are definitely looking into the IUI. However, until then I am going to take an ovulation test every day to see if I am ovulating and hope for the best.

So excited!!

I finally have hope and good news again! AJ and I went to the ORM seminar last night. I didn't want to go, but AJ did and I am so glad that we went. They presented a lot of information but at the end we were able to ask the doctor one on one questions. I told her that I was on Clomid for 6 cycles and that my OB told me that my body built a tolerance against it. She asked me what my levels were and I told her that when I was ovulating they were 20-35 each time and then when I stopped ovulating it was only 6.6. She told me that I definitely ovulated that last cycle just probably a little later than normal. She told me that they like to see anything above 1 but if it's about 3 then that's great. She told me that if I would have went in a few days later for my progesterone check, then my levels would be in the 30's again. She told me that I am a candidate for Clomid/IUI. I will make an appointment after the first of the year to get all of the prelim testing completed and we are hoping to get started on the Clomid/IUI around March. We figured that we are paying and choosing when to get pregnant (assuming that this will work the first time), we might as well choose when the baby would be due. If we start in March then it would be due around November/December. April would probably be better, but I just don't know if I can wait that long!

I am just so excited to get started on the next step, but now I just have to wait...

Nerves and Frustration

Last night at work we had a 14 year old come in that is 20+ weeks pregnant, and when she delivers she will still be 14. I am ten years older than her! She was born in 1996 and is having a baby. She is is middle school!!! Then there's me. I'm 24 years old, married, and not on welfare, and I cannot have a baby. She is in the hospital for DFM and I am making appointments at fertility clinics to go to seminars to hear about our next steps. Last night I was having a hard time dealing with this so I tried to do something that I never do. I reached out to a friend, and the friend I reached out to has been going through relationship issues and I have been there for every single thing offering a shoulder to cry on and someone to vent to, and when I reach out what does she say, "Oh, you don't want a crack baby." No, I don't want a crack baby. I want a baby and it's not fair that this 14 year old is having one and I am not. I may have made this friend mad because after she said that I told her what she needed to hear, but of course no one wants to hear it. She hasn't talked to me since. I'm ok with that right now because she kind of made me mad the last couple of days. I think we are just going through too many different hardships and are both stressed and depressed.  I'm sure we will be fine. She is one of my best friends.

Tomorrow night we are going to the seminar at Oregon Reproductive Medicine. I procrastinated on making the appointment until today because I've been nervous and in denile and I was hoping that I wouldn't need to go. Well I do... So I told my mom that we cannot make my brother's birthday dinner because we have somewhere to be. I think that she is thinking that it's something Christmas related with AJ's family, but it's just a seminar. I just told her where we were going, so hopefully that will help her understand. Even though I just emailed my mom to tell her, it's still hard to admit. I can write it in this blog all day because no one reads it, but having to admit to it makes it so much harder. Hopefully we will get some good information tomorrow and will be able to move on to the next step.

Rough couple of days

As I am sitting here writing this AJ's cousin is at the hospital in labor with their first child. Although, I am excited for them,  they are the one couple in the whole entire world that I am happy for, but it still doesn't make it any easier. They have been waiting for this days for over two years. They tried for two years and now they are having their baby. I am genuinely happy for them, but at the same time it hurts so bad. I would give anything to be in their situation and to have the entire family waiting for me to deliver. She has an entourage of people waiting, which I'm not sure how I would feel about, and is experiencing the most exciting moment of her life. I cannot wait and hope that someday I will get to experience the one of a kind experience of delivering a baby.

Meanwhile, this day I also find out that some friends of ours are having a baby boy. She is 20 weeks pregnant and found out today. She and her husband tried for 6 months, and apparently, they know what we're going through with waiting to get pregnant. Actually, you don't know, but I guess thanks for trying to sympathize.

This holiday season has been extra rough on me and yesterday when I was on Facebook, the husband of the infamous "fertile Mertyle" announced that if you want to get excited for the holidays again "then have a kid." Can I PLEASE take his head and his wife's and bang them together....very hard. Between his ignorant wife thinking that it's appropriate to announce that you're a fertile Mertyle, and the just-as-ignorant husband says that "all you have to do" is have a kid. Guess what, some of us aren't as "blessed" to get "accidentally" pregnant like you. Some of us try and try and seek fertility treatment, and guess what you dear ignorant couple, we cannot just "have a kid." Some of us also loved the holidays and would be so excited and elated this time of year, but since we cannot "just have a kid," the holiday season has never been so painful in all my life. So thank you for rubbing your fertile successes in my fertile failure face...thanks.

Lost Control

I am sitting here at my computer writing this post because I have completely lost control of my body. First I can't get pregnant or ovulate and now I can't run. I try to do everything right, yet somehow I get disappointed again. I know that I am extra prone to injuries (I have no idea why...), so I started running short distances and taking it easy. Over a period of four weeks I increased by runs to 3.1 miles long and I only run 3-4 times a week, and now here I am with an injured achilles...again. It's just not fair that I can do everything right and still be let down. I can't get pregnant and AJ and I have a happy, healthy marriage, own a house, have jobs, and are perfectly content. However, a high school girl; an unemployed, welfare mom;  an abusive family; or a drug user can get pregnant without any issues. Why does it happen to the undeserving so easily, yet those of us who deserve a family cannot achieve it?

Then there's running. There are the people who are not runners, or are overweight, or don't run correctly, or have terrible running gear and they never get injured. I just want to know why I have to have so many issues. I am healthy, not overweight, and just trying to exercise and I somehow get injured. I am not out there doing speed work or hill repeats, I am just running. I am running at a 9:30 mile pace and here I am: crippled...again.

I just want control of my body. I want it to do one thing that it is supposed to do. With all of the baby stuff going on in our lives it felt so good to be out running. It was a way to get away from the frustrations and to feel good about myself, and now I am a failure at another thing.

Holidays

I gave in and decorated on Wednesday. I felt bad for AJ and people that came over and didn't want to ruin anyone's holiday season with my depressed holiday-less house, so I decorated. I didn't do very much; just a couple of knick-knacks placed around. But I'm still not listening to Christmas music. So I'm still "bam-humbugging" it up.

I have also been extra depressed lately, but I think it's because I'm tired of pregnant friends and friends with babies. I am tired of the holidays and I am tired of being at a stand still waiting for January to take the next step in our journey. Last night we went out with some friends who do not have babies so it was great. They are officially our new couple friends.