Last one standing

Well obviously I'm not pregnant. I thought for sure that this month was going to be my month. It all made sense. I ovulated without any medications, I finally seen my first positive test, ovulation test, but still a test, and we timed everything just right, yet here I am...not pregnant. I am really beginning to wonder if I will ever see a positive test. If I ever do, I think I will take a picture of it, so when I am feeling down I can look at it.

I've been having a hard time lately. I think it's because I've felt so alone. With the holidays and other things coming up in my life, I haven't been to the Resolve meeting since October, and the online group that I am apart of, I don't really feel apart of anymore. I joined it when it was a small group, and I joined with a couple other people. We actually became really close and I consider some of them my friends, but now they are all pregnant. Here I am: the last one standing. There is one other person that joined right after me who is not pregnant, but I think she feels the same way I do because she hasn't been posting. Now the group is huge and everyone has the same exact freaking username with a spelling, space, or number modification, and each day more and more people join. Now the people in that group are getting pregnant, and they expect me to be happy for them....are you kidding? Yes, I feel bad that they are dealing with the same things as me, but doing two rounds of clomid and getting pregnant isn't quite the same pain and struggle that the rest of us are dealing with. I am just alone. I wish that I could have one friend to talk to and help me deal with the constant pain and struggling, and just the unknown of infertility.

Infertility takes over your life. Everything you do is scheduled around a positive ovulation test. Then everything you do is scheduled around a pregnancy test, and making plans in the future is just about impossible, but who knows if you will be pregnant or not. My best friend got a job at Disneyworld and I would love to visit her, but how fun would it really be to go to Disneyworld pregnant? You can't go on rides, so I would be flying down there to see her and to walk around Disneyworld. I just want answers. I want to know when. I want to know why. I want to know how.

I was reading this girl who married a friend of mine from high school, well middle school too, blog. Of course they are pregnant. Why wouldn't they be? They got married after me and weren't trying, so of course they would get pregnant first. Anyway, she announced her pregnancy by saying that a "parasite has implanted itself into my untouched uterus." Why would a person call her baby a parasite? Why do people that do not want it yet get pregnant with no effort at all. How the hell do people accidently get pregnant!? How can I time it, perfectly, month and month for a year and a half and not get pregnant, but that little tiny window when you can actually get pregnant, people "accidently" find it.

What did I do wrong, and why do I feel so alone? If inferility effects 1 out of 6 couples, then people really need to open up a little more because I need support. I am tired of being the last one standing.