Defining Myself

My name is Kyndra, and I am infertile. That's how I define myself these days. It's sad, but unfortunately true. Infertility has this way of taking over every ounce of your being. It takes over your work, hobbies, family, friends, and your marriage. When people ask me what I do in my spare time I usually say something along the lines of spending time with family and friends, going shopping, and taking my dog on his daily outing. Sure it's true, but I leave a major aspect of my life out: researching, reading, living, and breathing infertility. I read online blogs about issues, successes, and failures. I research treatment options. I read infertility related books. And while I do my other hobbies, such as shopping, I drag my depressed, infertile self to the baby section of the store and dream about what I would buy when I have a baby (because I will).

When you're infertile it takes over your friends and family as well. When I am depressed, I tend to pull away from those around me. I know that it's not the right thing for me to do, but I just can't help it. I hate it when people see me down. I love my family, and I love being close to them, but when you are depressed and failing at what is supposed to come so naturally, it kind of tends to pull you away. I have a lot of close friends that I am forever grateful for, but this past year and a half has taught be a lesson: you quickly find out how your true friends are when you are going through a hard time. Some of my friends I am very open to about our infertility struggles, others, well let's just say they didn't quite make the cut. I was told by someone close to me that I shouldn't let this define who my true friends are, well guess what, I do. I understand that infertility is a hard thing for someone to try to help someone through, especially if you have no experience with it, but really all I need is a shoulder to cry on. I don't want advice (unless you're going through it). You don't have to say anything. All I need you to do is be there. If my friends can't be here for me during what has been one of the hardest and most painful experiences of my life, well then I'm sorry, but I don't want you there for my best either.

I think that this infertility journey has actually brought AJ and I closer together, although, it is just so hard and stressful on our relationship. I'm sure he's tired of seeing me happy as could be for a while after some good news or a positive ovulation test, and then when the two little lines elude me yet again, I come crashing down. I sink into this deep depression and just want to give up. This happens day in and day out. Right now our big issue is what I haven't had a positive ovulation test yet, and by this time last month I had. Plus when you're riding the emotional roller coaster that infertility is, and having schedule husband/wife time, the excitement of it kind of goes away. I just wish we could get a answers or a positive test (preferably the latter), so we can go back to our normal, happy selves.

I define myself as infertile. When we are with our couple friends (which they all have kids), I feel that we are the "infertile couple." When I go to the doctor's office I feel like the infertile one (I'm sure that will change when we go to ORM). When I am at work I feel like the infertile one.

I know that I am a wife, daughter, sister, and friend, but at the end of the day, I am just the 1 out of every 6 people who are categorized as "infertile."