bah humbug...

Usually I am a complete holiday nut. I decorate as early as possible and I practically bounce off the walls until the day after the holiday when I have the not-so-fun task of undecorating. Well, this year, it's an entire different situation. Last year when I was decorating I told AJ that next year when I do this I will have to put everything up higher because we will have a little one crawling around, well here we are 12 months later and 15 months of trying to start a family and we aren't even close. We don't even have a plan of what we are doing next to try to get pregnant. All we know is that we are seeing a specialist in January.  I just want the holidays to go away. I want to go on vacation and not come back until after all of the holidays are over. I hate this year. Most of our friends either got pregnant or had a baby in 2010 and what did we do? We took Clomid until I became immune to it. Actually, now that I am thinking about it, I think that out of all of our married friends we are the only ones who do not have kids and/or are pregnant.

Thanksgiving was on this past Thursday and usually I hate Thanksgiving, but I enjoy spending time with family and eating the world's best pie. This year was different. It took everything in me to stay positive, smile, and not try while eating turkey and watching everyone enjoy the beginning of the holiday season. Not only are we the only ones out of our friends who do not have kids, but we are now the only ones in the family that do not have kids also. Well technically one of AJ's cousins does not have kids, but she is pregnant and due anytime now, so yes, I think it's fair to say that we are the only ones who do not have kids/are not pregnant. I am so tired of being depressed and alone, but unfortunately I do not have many people to talk to. I like my support group, but I am kind of tired of telling my story there, and really all I want is to release my frustrations and have people who understand infertility listen and offer advice. I also feel as if I do not quite fit in with this group either because everyone is older and has been trying for a lot longer than we have. Maybe I should start my own group?

Anyway, back to the holidays...I do not want to decorate this year. I do not want to get a tree. I do not want to go to the family functions. Instead, I want to lay in bed and throw myself the pity party of the year while reading celebrity gossip magazines. Everyone is so excited for the holidays this year, well maybe they are every year, but this year because I'm not I guess I notice it more. When ever I see a house with it's Christmas lights, or a car driving down the road with a tree on it's top, or people decorating their houses, it makes me wonder "how are you happy?" I guess when you're depressed it's easy to get lost in that and assume that everyone else is as miserable. I might put pine cones in my bowl in the table, but I do not think that I am going to decorate. AJ is making me get a tree, so I guess we have to do that, but if I had my way we wouldn't. Maybe we can compromise and get a little tiny tree to sit on our coffee table?

Today I went to the Christmas Bazaar trying to get in the holiday spirit. Instead it depressed me even more and made me want to leave...far, far away for the next 4 weeks. I want to go somewhere tropical so Christmas isn't everywhere...absolutely everywhere... What's extra hard is that I am always so upbeat, that I feel that I need to continue to stay positive because I hate making people around me miserable.

I need a friend. I need an infertile friend who I can confide in during this difficult time. I need an infertile friend who does not have kids...Oh, and an infertile friend who is not Christian.

I am tired of being alone and this holiday season is just reminding me how alone I really am. AJ wants to be there for me, but he just doesn't understand how hard it is to deal with being infertile.

This year I hate the holiday season..bah humbug....

Keeping notes so I don't forget.

I am going to make an appointment for January to see an RE, and I know that it is so easy to get overwhelmed in a doctor's office, so I am just going to keep notes so I can reference them before I leave for my appointment.

Well I did not ovulate on my fourth cycle of 150mg of Clomid, yet miraculously my monthly enemy showed up right on time on day 35 with a normal flow. Now I know it's possible to get your period without ovulating, but is it normal to get it right on time? It seems like I should have been late...at least by a little bit?  Well I guess that I will just have to wait a couple of months to know more.

"Fertile Myrtle"

I have reached an all new low of hatred of fertile people, well those who are inconsiderate of the infertile. There is a girl, who I really have never been a huge fan of, but now she is officially on my list of people that I really couldn't care less if she fell off the face of the Earth. This is the same girl (well one of them) that we went bowling with who was pregnant at the time, and the entire time kept complaining about how uncomfortable she is and how she can eat anything she wants because she is "eating for two." Here I am, 4 months into our trying to conceive journey with two "fertile myrtles" (both "accidentally" got pregnant. One was not on birth control, yet was surprised that she was pregnant- seriously, how dumb and ignorant can one person be?) And the girl (AKA inspiration of this blog post) evidently got pregnant by complete surprise with a condom that broke. Do I believe her for a second? Absolutely not. Considering that she and her new husband had only been married for a couple of months, and throughout her entire engagement (Well, I should use the word "entire" carefully, considering that they met, dated, and got married all within a year) mentioned that she wanted babies ASAP. And as a "shocker" to us all, she ended up pregnant ASAP.

Well now the "inspiration" girl is on Facebook every single freaking day complaining about being tired, hungry, sick, or having a sick baby. However, she had to get a mole on her pinkie toe removed and kept calling it "surgery," so clearly this girl's judgement on what being "sick" is, is a little impaired. So today this umm..incredibly intelligent girl, updated her Facebook status to "fertile Myrtle." Of course everyone is commenting asking if she is trying to tell us something, and this complete idiot states, "Don't worry, I'm just reminding myself." What kind of complete moron has to publicly announce that she is a fertile Myrtle? Do you actually feel the need to post to the whole world that you need to take your birth control or to remember to use a condom? Come on, stupid girl...

Some of us are doing everything that we can and still cannot get pregnant, as if that's not hard enough (emotionally and physically), we now have to deal with the ignorant and the insane on Facebook who feels that it is not only interesting, but also appropriate to announce that she is a "fertile Myrtle." Am I probably a little too sensitive? That may be the case, but it is still not only inappropriate, but just plain dumb to update your Facebook status to "Fertile Myrtle."

I think it is also fair to complain about the fact that her mom had to remind her on Facebook to take her birth control pill? Seriously, "stupid girl," how does that make you feel when your mom reminds you for the whole world to see, that she does not want to see you procreate? Now that kind of makes me happy...

Maybe I should update mine to "Infertile Myrtle?" I guess that would be a good way to open up...

Opening Up

My goal is to open up a little more about our struggle with infertility. I feel that if I tell more people I will be able to cope with it myself and will have friends to confide it, but openning up is so hard for me. I know that it is a common thing and nothing that I am actually doing wrong, but still it's such a personal and intense battle that it's scary to allow other people in. Although, I'm sure that most infertile people feel that way which is why I seem so alone, and that's probably also why insurance companies feel that they can not cover infertility treatment because so few people open up about it.

Yesterday I told a friend that we are being sent to a specialist. I didn't tell her much more because I knew that I would end up crying, but just getting that out really helped and made me feel better. I just need to learn to open up...

This next issue doesn't have anything to do with opening up, but I need to get it out! I am a part of an online support group and all of the ladies on in are struggling with infertility and are all on Clomid or pursing IUIs and IVF. Well this new lady joined who said that she was 33 years old and has been married for 17 years (so evidently she got married at 16), has three kids 3 years old-15 years old, and she and her husband have always wanted a big family, so they went on Clomid to increase their chances of conceiving twins. She wants our thoughts with her and to people to pray for her even though she doesn't have fertility problems. Are you kidding me!? The audacity that that lady has. That's like going to an AA meeting and saying that you don't have a drinking problem, but want people's prayers that you don't get one after you go out to happy hour that night....people are so dumb. Luckly no one was responded to this person, but come on!

Oh, and we just had someone deliver a baby who was born in 1995. She just turned 15 a few months ago. That means she got pregnant at 14! Why is it that the young girls get pregnant so easy and then the rest of us who do everything right get punished? Ugh...

Coming to Terms

I have had a hard time this week dealing with the news that I go on Monday. It probably doesn't help that I've been alone all week either. Since my body has built a tolerance against Clomid we have run out of options at my OB's office. We now have to go to an RE and trying to come to peace with that is so hard.

I had a little intuition that Clomid wouldn't work for us, but each month I was so hopeful that it would. And now here I am out of options and having to go to a specialist. This is selfish of me, but I don't feel like we deserve what we're going through. We've done everything right so why are we being punished? It's just not fair that we have to go to a specialist. I hate asking for help this feels like the ultimate failure. We cannot even accomplish what our bodies were created to do

I know that one out of every six couples struggle with infertility, so it's relatively common, but I still can't help but wonder "why us?" I am so tired of feeling depressed and isolated. Everyone around me either has kids or is pregnant.

Hopefully our appointment in January will open new opportunities and give me answers as to why I am not ovulating.

Welcome to Holland

I read this story of the leader of the group that I was a part of's blog. Thought that I would share it as well since I really liked it.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss. But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Bad news

I finally got my progesterone levels back, and I didn't ovulate. My progesterone levels were only 6.6. It was my sixth round of Clomid and fourth on 150mg. Each time before on 150mg of Clomid I would ovulate everytime, but not this time. My doctor thinks that my body has built a tolerance against Clomid. She told me that I can try it one more month or go to an RE. We decided to go to an RE. We are going to make an appointment for January. Now I just need to call our insurance and see if they will atleast cover the diagnostic part of the RE exams/tests. Our insurance said they will cover infertility treatment as long as it is caused by a medical condition, and since I don't have any known causes, hopefully they will atleast cover the diagnostic part. It is so expensive.

It's so weird to me that I didn't ovulate. I had gotten to the point to where I thought I was on a good dosage of Clomid and I would ovulate every time. My only worry was that my doctor was going to kick me off Clomid before we were pregnant. I guess I was in for a real surprise. So now I am at work all alone. AJ is hunting, and all I want to do is cry myself to sleep but I can't. Here I am putting on a fake happy face for the entire world to see.

I actually thought that this month was going to be our month. According to the ovulation calendars I would have ovulated on my birthday and I had this big plan of not telling our families until Christmas morning. I was going to wrap up ultrasound pictures and have all the family open them up...so much for that plan. Now I am dreading the holidays again. I just want to go to bed and wake up in January. Can I skip Christmas please? I would much rather get away from life and go on a much needed vacation...anywhere...just away from here, family, infertility, work, and life in general.

With the results that I got today it feels like my entire world just stopped spinning and I am completely alone and don't know what to do. So here I go again: depressed, frustrated, alone, and waiting...the story of the infertile woman.

And I wait some more...

I went in Wednesday for my progesterone check and the levels still aren't back yet. Now I have to wait all weekend! You would think on things like that they would run them stat since I wait and suffer the entire month for those results and then 2 weeks later for the pregnancy test results. I hope they have them Monday because it's going to be a loooong weekend.

Just another thing, I am going to a wedding tomorrow night, actually I am in it, and the bride told me that she is going off of birth control once they get married because they don't want to go through what I've gone through. I swear if they get pregnant before me....

Anyway, here's to the start of an excruciatingly long weekend.

Today's Infertility Struggle

Today has just been one of those days. First I went to the doctor's office to get my progesterone check done. I hope to hear back tomorrow but it probably won't be until Friday. I hope that I ovulated! I have been the last 3 months, so I'm sure I did this time. I am hoping that it worked this time since I ovulated sometime around my birthday it would be a perfect birthday present! I think it would be fun to wait until the holidays to tell our families. Maybe wrap it in a box for everyone to open a picture of an ultrasound. I would love that!

After the doctor's appointment I went to lunch with a friend and we decided to hit the Nordstrom half-yearly sale. All I want to do is to be able to shop in their super cute baby area and sometimes I will browse through it when I am alone, but you cannot walk through a department in that store without someone trying to help you. Just let me browse and dream, people!

And finally during the evening we went to AJ's sister's house and had a late birthday dinner with everyone and AJ's mom, grandma and her husband. And of course we were asked when we are going to have a baby. I hate that question because I never know how to answer it. Should I answer it as "soon" or "hopefully soon" or "I don't know." I just said the last response and then AJ told them that we have been trying for over a year and of course that got everyone talking about what "works." AJ's mom's husband said that he knew someone that tried for a while and conceived once she got off fertility medications....I hate it when people say those kinds of things. Luckly AJ had everyone change the subject quickly because I do not handle it well.

While at dinner AJ's mom complained that we don't ever send her pictures. What the heck would we send her pictures of...our selves? We don't have kids, so I suppose we could send pictures of our pets, but that is just weird. Ugh...

I did hold my neice tonight which was a big accomplishment for me. I want to be close with her and start the relationship early so part of me tells me to just put my emotions to the side and be apart of her life, but another part tells me that I am just not strong enough to do that.

So here we are just waiting. The story of our lives: waiting. Wait, wait, wait....