Usually I am a complete holiday nut. I decorate as early as possible and I practically bounce off the walls until the day after the holiday when I have the not-so-fun task of undecorating. Well, this year, it's an entire different situation. Last year when I was decorating I told AJ that next year when I do this I will have to put everything up higher because we will have a little one crawling around, well here we are 12 months later and 15 months of trying to start a family and we aren't even close. We don't even have a plan of what we are doing next to try to get pregnant. All we know is that we are seeing a specialist in January. I just want the holidays to go away. I want to go on vacation and not come back until after all of the holidays are over. I hate this year. Most of our friends either got pregnant or had a baby in 2010 and what did we do? We took Clomid until I became immune to it. Actually, now that I am thinking about it, I think that out of all of our married friends we are the only ones who do not have kids and/or are pregnant.
Thanksgiving was on this past Thursday and usually I hate Thanksgiving, but I enjoy spending time with family and eating the world's best pie. This year was different. It took everything in me to stay positive, smile, and not try while eating turkey and watching everyone enjoy the beginning of the holiday season. Not only are we the only ones out of our friends who do not have kids, but we are now the only ones in the family that do not have kids also. Well technically one of AJ's cousins does not have kids, but she is pregnant and due anytime now, so yes, I think it's fair to say that we are the only ones who do not have kids/are not pregnant. I am so tired of being depressed and alone, but unfortunately I do not have many people to talk to. I like my support group, but I am kind of tired of telling my story there, and really all I want is to release my frustrations and have people who understand infertility listen and offer advice. I also feel as if I do not quite fit in with this group either because everyone is older and has been trying for a lot longer than we have. Maybe I should start my own group?
Anyway, back to the holidays...I do not want to decorate this year. I do not want to get a tree. I do not want to go to the family functions. Instead, I want to lay in bed and throw myself the pity party of the year while reading celebrity gossip magazines. Everyone is so excited for the holidays this year, well maybe they are every year, but this year because I'm not I guess I notice it more. When ever I see a house with it's Christmas lights, or a car driving down the road with a tree on it's top, or people decorating their houses, it makes me wonder "how are you happy?" I guess when you're depressed it's easy to get lost in that and assume that everyone else is as miserable. I might put pine cones in my bowl in the table, but I do not think that I am going to decorate. AJ is making me get a tree, so I guess we have to do that, but if I had my way we wouldn't. Maybe we can compromise and get a little tiny tree to sit on our coffee table?
Today I went to the Christmas Bazaar trying to get in the holiday spirit. Instead it depressed me even more and made me want to leave...far, far away for the next 4 weeks. I want to go somewhere tropical so Christmas isn't everywhere...absolutely everywhere... What's extra hard is that I am always so upbeat, that I feel that I need to continue to stay positive because I hate making people around me miserable.
I need a friend. I need an infertile friend who I can confide in during this difficult time. I need an infertile friend who does not have kids...Oh, and an infertile friend who is not Christian.
I am tired of being alone and this holiday season is just reminding me how alone I really am. AJ wants to be there for me, but he just doesn't understand how hard it is to deal with being infertile.
This year I hate the holiday season..bah humbug....
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