Here is when you know you are going crazy when dealing with infertility: you are mad at your flat stomach. What kind of woman gets mad at a flat stomach?!
I was getting ready yesterday morning and I pushed my stomach out to see what I might look like pregnant and when I let it go it was flat. I was actually disappointed. Believe me, I do not want a fat stomach and after I am done having kids I want my flat stomach, but right now I want a cute round one! I have problems...
I am so tired of hearing people talk about waiting for labor...try waiting for pregnancy! A coworker was telling me that she knows "all about waiting" since she had to be induced with all four of her kids. People do not know what waiting is until you wait and hope for your infertile self to get pregnant.
A friend that I went to school with from kindergarten on is pregnant and over due. After talking to her yesterday, I found out that she tried for 3 years to get pregnant. I am always happy for those who get pregnant after dealing with infertility. They don't make me near as depressed. I am actually genuinely happy for her.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Monday, October 25, 2010
"How to Handle the Ignorant and the Insane"
In the book I am reading, A Few Good Eggs, they have a section about what friends/family should never say/ask to a couple struggling with infertility. Is it rude to photocopy this section and hand it to everyone I know and maybe even a few people that I pass on the street? The follow things are all things that I have been asked multiple timesand they are all listed in the book.
1. Just don't think about it, and it will happen!
2. Maybe you're trying to hard (If you say this, it will make me want to cause you pain...just a friendly warning)
3. But I bet it's fun trying!
4. Just start to adopt-- then you'll get pregnant! That happened to my friend.
5. You're really lucky-- you can do anything you want. We never get to go out anymore.
6. Don't worry, you're still young. (See my response to number 2)
7. Why do you want kids anyway?
8. Did you ever think about adopting?
9. Pregnancy is easy for me. I'll be your surrogate. (Followed by a self-deprecating giggle). (FYI- saying all my husband has to do it look at me and I'll get pregnant is the same thing...)
10. Anything new on the baby front? (See reponse to number 2)
11. Are you keep your legs up after sex? (Are you getting too personal? yup)
12. Are you getting drunk before sex?
13. Is your husband wearing loose underwear?
14. Are you taking your temperature?
15. Are you using an ovulation predictor test?
16. Are you doing it doggy style? That worked for us! (See response to number 11)
17. Are you doing it in public? That worked for us! (See response to number 11)
18. You should have more sex. (If we did it anymore we wouldn't be able to work, eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom, but thanks for the moronic suggestion)
19. It's probably for the best. (See response to number 2)
20. Don't worry, you'll get pregnant soon. (See response to number 2)
21. You probably need a vacation.
22. I get pregnant when I look at my husband.
23. Give it time. (See reponse to number 2 only multiply the pain by 300)
The one that takes the cake for me happened early this year. AJ and I had been TTC for probably 4 or 5 months with zero results and we were invited to go bowling with some friends. We are bowling with our friends who got married 2 weeks before us (who were also 'accidently' pregnant...probably 8 weeks along), and our friend's brother and sister-in-law who were probably 25-30 weeks pregnant. Being the only non pregnant/the only one actually trying to get pregnant in a group of pregnant people is the most gut-wrenching pain you can imagine. I was being my perky self. And trying not to notice my pregnant friends when my friend's brother asked when we were going to have a baby. We told him that we were trying and having problems and he said, "Well here's what you need to do. You need to get in a big fight and storm out. Then when you come home later have make-up sex and you will get pregnant." It took every ounce in my being to not chuck my bowling ball at his face. But instead, this is when I was still a nice TTC'er, and actually cared about other's opinion and smiled and said, "thanks for the suggestion." I just dare him to say that to me now. I'm not near as nice as I was 10 months ago.
Here's what people should say, "I don't want to keep asking about the baby stuff. Just know that whenever you want to talk I'm here." Can I make this a magnet and put it on all my friends' refridgerators? Maybe I will make it a key chain too. That way they will have a reminder when they are not home.
1. Just don't think about it, and it will happen!
2. Maybe you're trying to hard (If you say this, it will make me want to cause you pain...just a friendly warning)
3. But I bet it's fun trying!
4. Just start to adopt-- then you'll get pregnant! That happened to my friend.
5. You're really lucky-- you can do anything you want. We never get to go out anymore.
6. Don't worry, you're still young. (See my response to number 2)
7. Why do you want kids anyway?
8. Did you ever think about adopting?
9. Pregnancy is easy for me. I'll be your surrogate. (Followed by a self-deprecating giggle). (FYI- saying all my husband has to do it look at me and I'll get pregnant is the same thing...)
10. Anything new on the baby front? (See reponse to number 2)
11. Are you keep your legs up after sex? (Are you getting too personal? yup)
12. Are you getting drunk before sex?
13. Is your husband wearing loose underwear?
14. Are you taking your temperature?
15. Are you using an ovulation predictor test?
16. Are you doing it doggy style? That worked for us! (See response to number 11)
17. Are you doing it in public? That worked for us! (See response to number 11)
18. You should have more sex. (If we did it anymore we wouldn't be able to work, eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom, but thanks for the moronic suggestion)
19. It's probably for the best. (See response to number 2)
20. Don't worry, you'll get pregnant soon. (See response to number 2)
21. You probably need a vacation.
22. I get pregnant when I look at my husband.
23. Give it time. (See reponse to number 2 only multiply the pain by 300)
The one that takes the cake for me happened early this year. AJ and I had been TTC for probably 4 or 5 months with zero results and we were invited to go bowling with some friends. We are bowling with our friends who got married 2 weeks before us (who were also 'accidently' pregnant...probably 8 weeks along), and our friend's brother and sister-in-law who were probably 25-30 weeks pregnant. Being the only non pregnant/the only one actually trying to get pregnant in a group of pregnant people is the most gut-wrenching pain you can imagine. I was being my perky self. And trying not to notice my pregnant friends when my friend's brother asked when we were going to have a baby. We told him that we were trying and having problems and he said, "Well here's what you need to do. You need to get in a big fight and storm out. Then when you come home later have make-up sex and you will get pregnant." It took every ounce in my being to not chuck my bowling ball at his face. But instead, this is when I was still a nice TTC'er, and actually cared about other's opinion and smiled and said, "thanks for the suggestion." I just dare him to say that to me now. I'm not near as nice as I was 10 months ago.
Here's what people should say, "I don't want to keep asking about the baby stuff. Just know that whenever you want to talk I'm here." Can I make this a magnet and put it on all my friends' refridgerators? Maybe I will make it a key chain too. That way they will have a reminder when they are not home.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Age and Frustration
I can't sleep tonight so I decided that I would write about what's irritating me, also it's National Writing Day so it couldn't be a better time.
I joined a support group through a local church in September and we meet every Tuesday. I like the ladies in my group, but we don't exactly have the same faith viewpoint, so it gets a little frustrating, but I let it roll off and don't say what I am thinking. Then, the third Tuesday of every month we meet in Portland for a Resolve meeting which is great. It's a nationwide group of an eclectic variety of people. I absolutely love this group. There is everyone from the single woman, the lesbian couple, non-religious people, and then my group. Although I feel like I can open up more in the Resolve group because I don't feel so judged, I still sometimes get the "you're young so don't worry" kind of a treatment every once in a while, which is mostly from the normal Tuesday church group.
Yes, I am young. I am ten days shy of 24, but does that really make it any less hard on me? When a couple decides to start a family they want it then. No one goes into starting a family as "well let's practice for a few years, and if we get pregnant in that time that's fine, but whatever..." No, when you decide to start a family this uncontrollable urge and desire to become a mother and a family takes over every ounce of your being.
I am not the typical early to mid twenty something. I never have been the same as other people my age. I am in my twenties, but a huge majority of my friends are in their late twenties to mid thirties, with a few late thirties/early forties. Even out of my friends that are my age, most of them have kids and/or are pregnant. I do not party. I don't drink. I am mellow. I am happy and content in my marriage. The only thing I occasionally do is go to happy hour with my friends (who all have kids....) But I love the daily routine of our lives together, so is it really that outrageous that I want to have a baby now?
In my opinion it's even scarier to me that I am not getting pregnant. The people who start trying in their mid thirties are taking a risk. After age 35 getting pregnant and carrying a healthy baby to term is more of a challenge. So here I am, almost 24, I have been trying for 14 months to get pregnant and nothing. I am in my early/mid twenties and seeking infertility treatment. I should be in prime reproductive age, but I'm not, so who knows, maybe this will go on until I am 35.
I am willing to bet that those people who started trying in their thirties wish they would have started earlier. Maybe it's a blessing that we are starting young because it gives us a lot higher of a probability of getting pregnant.
So please don't ask me how old I am because I "look really young." I am grieving, failing, seeking, and hoping just like you, and just because I am young does not make it any easier. I guess the only thing that I have on my side is that I am more time before I am in that high-risk, advanced maternal age, category.
I would not wish infertility on anyone, so to those who judge, please don't belittle my problem and I will not point fingers are you. Everyone of us who has been classified as infertile has experienced the same let downs, bad news, and failure month after month, and age really shouldn't have anything to do with how someone feels. As long has a couple has been together for sometime and is committed, then why do people feel the need in interject their mindless opinions? I will not judge you for what you are, so please do not judge me for what I am. I will, however, judge you for what you do.
On to my frustration rant- I am thinking about leaving the church group that I am apart of. I like meeting people and hopefully gaining friendships with people experiencing what I am and people who I can bounce ideas and questions off of, but I am really started to second guess if it is the right fit for me. We are reading a book about coming to the end of trying to conceive and making peace with infertility. That is not me at all. I am still on the beginning stages of it so I need to read books that tell me people's personal stories of struggle that leads to success with all of the nitty gritty details included. I do not need to read about giving up. I don't like that we pray at every meeting twice, and I don't like giving my prayer request at the end because I feel like I am lying. Plus, I did not like the way one of the group members acted with a lesbian couple at the Resolve meeting. I hate how very Christian people feel like they are sent to Earth to be the police of all people and pass judgement because they are not the same. Guess what, Hitler did that too... I'm not comparing Christians to Hitler at all, but judging people for what they are is not your place in this society.
I like the girls in the group so I don't want to leave them. I just have a lot of thinking about and decide what is the best fit for me.
I joined a support group through a local church in September and we meet every Tuesday. I like the ladies in my group, but we don't exactly have the same faith viewpoint, so it gets a little frustrating, but I let it roll off and don't say what I am thinking. Then, the third Tuesday of every month we meet in Portland for a Resolve meeting which is great. It's a nationwide group of an eclectic variety of people. I absolutely love this group. There is everyone from the single woman, the lesbian couple, non-religious people, and then my group. Although I feel like I can open up more in the Resolve group because I don't feel so judged, I still sometimes get the "you're young so don't worry" kind of a treatment every once in a while, which is mostly from the normal Tuesday church group.
Yes, I am young. I am ten days shy of 24, but does that really make it any less hard on me? When a couple decides to start a family they want it then. No one goes into starting a family as "well let's practice for a few years, and if we get pregnant in that time that's fine, but whatever..." No, when you decide to start a family this uncontrollable urge and desire to become a mother and a family takes over every ounce of your being.
I am not the typical early to mid twenty something. I never have been the same as other people my age. I am in my twenties, but a huge majority of my friends are in their late twenties to mid thirties, with a few late thirties/early forties. Even out of my friends that are my age, most of them have kids and/or are pregnant. I do not party. I don't drink. I am mellow. I am happy and content in my marriage. The only thing I occasionally do is go to happy hour with my friends (who all have kids....) But I love the daily routine of our lives together, so is it really that outrageous that I want to have a baby now?
In my opinion it's even scarier to me that I am not getting pregnant. The people who start trying in their mid thirties are taking a risk. After age 35 getting pregnant and carrying a healthy baby to term is more of a challenge. So here I am, almost 24, I have been trying for 14 months to get pregnant and nothing. I am in my early/mid twenties and seeking infertility treatment. I should be in prime reproductive age, but I'm not, so who knows, maybe this will go on until I am 35.
I am willing to bet that those people who started trying in their thirties wish they would have started earlier. Maybe it's a blessing that we are starting young because it gives us a lot higher of a probability of getting pregnant.
So please don't ask me how old I am because I "look really young." I am grieving, failing, seeking, and hoping just like you, and just because I am young does not make it any easier. I guess the only thing that I have on my side is that I am more time before I am in that high-risk, advanced maternal age, category.
I would not wish infertility on anyone, so to those who judge, please don't belittle my problem and I will not point fingers are you. Everyone of us who has been classified as infertile has experienced the same let downs, bad news, and failure month after month, and age really shouldn't have anything to do with how someone feels. As long has a couple has been together for sometime and is committed, then why do people feel the need in interject their mindless opinions? I will not judge you for what you are, so please do not judge me for what I am. I will, however, judge you for what you do.
On to my frustration rant- I am thinking about leaving the church group that I am apart of. I like meeting people and hopefully gaining friendships with people experiencing what I am and people who I can bounce ideas and questions off of, but I am really started to second guess if it is the right fit for me. We are reading a book about coming to the end of trying to conceive and making peace with infertility. That is not me at all. I am still on the beginning stages of it so I need to read books that tell me people's personal stories of struggle that leads to success with all of the nitty gritty details included. I do not need to read about giving up. I don't like that we pray at every meeting twice, and I don't like giving my prayer request at the end because I feel like I am lying. Plus, I did not like the way one of the group members acted with a lesbian couple at the Resolve meeting. I hate how very Christian people feel like they are sent to Earth to be the police of all people and pass judgement because they are not the same. Guess what, Hitler did that too... I'm not comparing Christians to Hitler at all, but judging people for what they are is not your place in this society.
I like the girls in the group so I don't want to leave them. I just have a lot of thinking about and decide what is the best fit for me.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Waiting Game
I seen a commercial today that said that pregnancy is all about waiting. You wait 9 months for labor and then hours for the baby to deliver, well I think that they forgot about the other waiting-- the waiting to get pregnant. To those of us who have to wait, try, and desire for their baby, the waiting for the little pink lines is excruciating.
You wait for the the right moment in your life
You wait for the first few months to excitedly wait for your period to see if you're pregnant
You wait for the doctor's appointments to figure out why you're not "normal"
You wait for the test results
You wait for the prescriptions
You wait for the two blue lines on the ovulation tests
You wait for your period again
You wait for 3 long minutes for the pregnancy test because you're tired of waiting for your period
You wait for your period to start the medication again for the two pink lines are unattainable.
You wait, and wait, and wait...and time and time again you wait for uncontrollable failures.
So for those people who wait the oh-so-long 9 months for your baby put yourselves in the other half's shoes. The shoes of the infertile couple who want what you so effortlessly achieved more than you can possibly even imagine. Having a baby is exciting and people should be excited, but I really don't feel bad for your long 9 months. Enjoy the experience and the short and few times in your life that you get to experience what less than half the world will ever get the chance too.
Now I am waiting for the end of the year. If we are not pregnant by the end of December I am going to talk to AJ about getting to vericosele surgery to increase his sperm count, hopefully we will not have to take that step, but if that's what's stopping us from achieving the "9 month wait," then we need to fix that.
Infertility and waiting can take it out of the most patient and understanding couple, but imagine because impatient and type-A and not being able to wait the wait that beings the ultimate gift.
You wait for the the right moment in your life
You wait for the first few months to excitedly wait for your period to see if you're pregnant
You wait for the doctor's appointments to figure out why you're not "normal"
You wait for the test results
You wait for the prescriptions
You wait for the two blue lines on the ovulation tests
You wait for your period again
You wait for 3 long minutes for the pregnancy test because you're tired of waiting for your period
You wait for your period to start the medication again for the two pink lines are unattainable.
You wait, and wait, and wait...and time and time again you wait for uncontrollable failures.
So for those people who wait the oh-so-long 9 months for your baby put yourselves in the other half's shoes. The shoes of the infertile couple who want what you so effortlessly achieved more than you can possibly even imagine. Having a baby is exciting and people should be excited, but I really don't feel bad for your long 9 months. Enjoy the experience and the short and few times in your life that you get to experience what less than half the world will ever get the chance too.
Now I am waiting for the end of the year. If we are not pregnant by the end of December I am going to talk to AJ about getting to vericosele surgery to increase his sperm count, hopefully we will not have to take that step, but if that's what's stopping us from achieving the "9 month wait," then we need to fix that.
Infertility and waiting can take it out of the most patient and understanding couple, but imagine because impatient and type-A and not being able to wait the wait that beings the ultimate gift.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Expectant Mother's Parking
I went to the mall on Tuesday and parked in the "expectant mother's parking" just out of spite and it's felt good. First of all, I am an expectant mother. Someday I expect to be a mother, therefore, that makes me "expectant." Secondly, if you're pregnant and have the ability to walk through the mall, you're certainly more than capable of walking through the parking lot. Thirdly, when you're pregnant it's good to walk, so consider me parking in the expectant mother spot my good deed for the day.
Beginning of our journey: the emotions.
Rumor has it that 1 of out every 6 couples struggle with infertility, yet it does not seem that common. It's such a private struggle and a feeling of such intense failure that people do not come out and tell their stories, which does not help the 1 of us out of every 6 couples feel any better. I think that if it was more of a discussed topic then insurance plans would probably cover it, and those of us who are struggling would have a lot more people to open up to about our emotions, pain, and experiences.
After a couple months of trying I was starting to slowly climb the emotional roller coaster. It wasn't until after four months of trying when some friends who got married 2 week before us, told us that they were accidently pregnant. That is when I went down that first big drop on the infertility roller coaster. I didn't realize how bad I wanted it until someone else effortless gained what we have been striving for. I also don't think that my friends and family who knew that we were trying realized how much it hurt me. It was if someone just hit the wind out of me and I didn't know how to retrieve it. Then, just as I was started to deal with that, AJ's sister told us that they were pregnant with their second one. That day I just layed and bed and didn't want to move. I didn't want to see, hear, or talk to anyone. Really, I just wanted to throw my own little pity party, until I had to move on.
Right in the midst of our Clomid failures, I was asked to throw AJ's sister a baby shower. Considering that she is probably the nicest person in the world, I couldn't not do it. Throwing that party was when I learned that I cannot attend, throw, or even think about baby showers. A baby shower and an infertile person is a terrible combination.
I didn't like to be around my pregnant friends and family because seeing their growing bellies, the excitement of setting up the baby nurseries, picking out names, and hearing their pregnant stories was just getting punched in the chest. I know that no one would hurt me like that intentionally, but until a person struggles with infertility, it is a pain that no one was understand, relate, or soothe away.
In July I visited my new niece and AJ's sister in the hospital when she delivered. Although it was hard, it was my niece, and I was excited to meet her. I went there. I held her and I did ok. Even though I was depressed when I got home, it was nice to know that I had my very first niece.
Then in August, just two days before our 1 year anniversary of trying to get pregnant, our friends had their baby girl. AJ was excited because his best friend of 22 years had a baby, and I don't think he realized how hard it was on me. We go to the hospital (I didn't want to go this time) and we see her. She is handed to me and I have to do everything in my power to not cry or tear up. I sit down with the baby and then I get right back up and hand her to AJ because I just couldn't do it. This baby was conceived 4 months after we started trying and now she's here, and we aren't even close...
On August 15, our 1 year anniversary of trying to get pregnant, this entire new emotion took over my body. It was a feeling of hatred towards myself, a hatred towards anyone who "accidently" gets pregnant, a hatred for any undeserving mother, jealously, physical pain, emotional pain, and frustration. I just wanted to pull away from everyone and live under a rock where I don't have to see or hear anyone who is pregnant or has a baby.
I don't like holding babies or being around them because it's just a constant reminder as to what I cannot obtain. Even my niece, who once was the one baby I could be around, I have no desire to hold her because it actually hurts me. Our friends' baby I hadn't seen since the day she was delivered until this last week. That was one of the most gut wrenching experiences of my life. First of all I am with the friends that we always talked about having kids around the same time with so that our kids could be life long friends just that AJ and his friend. Plus, the fact that she was an "accident" is a completely different issue. How people "accidently" get pregnant is beyond me, but apparently they do.
When we went to their house I has on a constant verge of tears the entire time, and I could not wait to go home. I was afraid to talk, breathe, or even look at the baby because I knew it wouldn't take much to make me break down. At one point I had to go to the "bathroom" to pull myself together and there was a picture of their baby in the bathroom!? Who put's their baby's picture above the toilet!? There was so escaping. Then after dinner, the baby's dad tries to get me to hold her. I told him no and he kept trying to push her on me. Luckly AJ took her, but I cannot hold a baby. At all.
I joined a support group through a local church which I have mixed emotions about. First of all, I love having people to relate to and can gain through their experiences, seek advice, and just get the raw emotions out once a week, but at the same time it is a Christain based group, which means nothing to be. When someone says that they will pray for me, it honestly means nothing. Thank you for thinking about me and wanting what I want, but please don't pray, it honestly just frustrates me. Plus, all of the women in the group are a lot further in their journey than I am, so sometimes I feel like I shouldn't say anything because I am still on Clomid...the first step everyone who experiences infertility takes.
I started this blog to just release any frustrations and emotions that I have. It's a journal to me. And who knows, maybe with time I will allow people to read it.
After a couple months of trying I was starting to slowly climb the emotional roller coaster. It wasn't until after four months of trying when some friends who got married 2 week before us, told us that they were accidently pregnant. That is when I went down that first big drop on the infertility roller coaster. I didn't realize how bad I wanted it until someone else effortless gained what we have been striving for. I also don't think that my friends and family who knew that we were trying realized how much it hurt me. It was if someone just hit the wind out of me and I didn't know how to retrieve it. Then, just as I was started to deal with that, AJ's sister told us that they were pregnant with their second one. That day I just layed and bed and didn't want to move. I didn't want to see, hear, or talk to anyone. Really, I just wanted to throw my own little pity party, until I had to move on.
Right in the midst of our Clomid failures, I was asked to throw AJ's sister a baby shower. Considering that she is probably the nicest person in the world, I couldn't not do it. Throwing that party was when I learned that I cannot attend, throw, or even think about baby showers. A baby shower and an infertile person is a terrible combination.
I didn't like to be around my pregnant friends and family because seeing their growing bellies, the excitement of setting up the baby nurseries, picking out names, and hearing their pregnant stories was just getting punched in the chest. I know that no one would hurt me like that intentionally, but until a person struggles with infertility, it is a pain that no one was understand, relate, or soothe away.
In July I visited my new niece and AJ's sister in the hospital when she delivered. Although it was hard, it was my niece, and I was excited to meet her. I went there. I held her and I did ok. Even though I was depressed when I got home, it was nice to know that I had my very first niece.
Then in August, just two days before our 1 year anniversary of trying to get pregnant, our friends had their baby girl. AJ was excited because his best friend of 22 years had a baby, and I don't think he realized how hard it was on me. We go to the hospital (I didn't want to go this time) and we see her. She is handed to me and I have to do everything in my power to not cry or tear up. I sit down with the baby and then I get right back up and hand her to AJ because I just couldn't do it. This baby was conceived 4 months after we started trying and now she's here, and we aren't even close...
On August 15, our 1 year anniversary of trying to get pregnant, this entire new emotion took over my body. It was a feeling of hatred towards myself, a hatred towards anyone who "accidently" gets pregnant, a hatred for any undeserving mother, jealously, physical pain, emotional pain, and frustration. I just wanted to pull away from everyone and live under a rock where I don't have to see or hear anyone who is pregnant or has a baby.
I don't like holding babies or being around them because it's just a constant reminder as to what I cannot obtain. Even my niece, who once was the one baby I could be around, I have no desire to hold her because it actually hurts me. Our friends' baby I hadn't seen since the day she was delivered until this last week. That was one of the most gut wrenching experiences of my life. First of all I am with the friends that we always talked about having kids around the same time with so that our kids could be life long friends just that AJ and his friend. Plus, the fact that she was an "accident" is a completely different issue. How people "accidently" get pregnant is beyond me, but apparently they do.
When we went to their house I has on a constant verge of tears the entire time, and I could not wait to go home. I was afraid to talk, breathe, or even look at the baby because I knew it wouldn't take much to make me break down. At one point I had to go to the "bathroom" to pull myself together and there was a picture of their baby in the bathroom!? Who put's their baby's picture above the toilet!? There was so escaping. Then after dinner, the baby's dad tries to get me to hold her. I told him no and he kept trying to push her on me. Luckly AJ took her, but I cannot hold a baby. At all.
I joined a support group through a local church which I have mixed emotions about. First of all, I love having people to relate to and can gain through their experiences, seek advice, and just get the raw emotions out once a week, but at the same time it is a Christain based group, which means nothing to be. When someone says that they will pray for me, it honestly means nothing. Thank you for thinking about me and wanting what I want, but please don't pray, it honestly just frustrates me. Plus, all of the women in the group are a lot further in their journey than I am, so sometimes I feel like I shouldn't say anything because I am still on Clomid...the first step everyone who experiences infertility takes.
I started this blog to just release any frustrations and emotions that I have. It's a journal to me. And who knows, maybe with time I will allow people to read it.
Beginning of our journey: the facts.
In August of 2009, two years into our marriage, a year after living in our new house, we figured that the next logical step to our lives together was to start a family. So August 15, 2009 I got off the pill. We were ecstatic. I wanted to yell from a roof top that we were starting our family, but instead I settled on telling all of our friends and family. Looking back I don't know if that was my best decision or not. Whenever someone asks how it's going I poor my heart out and tell he/she probably more than he/she really cares to know. But at the same time, I hate failure and people seeing me struggle, so would I have told all of the people that I told if I knew that I know now...I don't know.
When I got off the pill we thought that everything was going to work out perfectly. The baby would have been born at the perfect time of year, and everything in our lives would be just right. In September when I started my period I didn't really care. Although, I would rather it not be there and be pregnant instead, I looked at it as a good thing and figured that at least I am adjusting to getting off the pill smoothly. Needless to say, that did not continue... October rolled around and no period. November, December, and January: nothing. I knew from all of the research that I have done that when you're under thirty-five you should wait a year before seeking medical help, but when I went four months with no period, I figured that there must be something wrong. I made an appointment to establish an OB and figure everything out and in February is when my whole entire world was turned upside-down.
After being poked, proded, examed, and questionned, we found out that I do not ovulate on my own. Even though in February of 2010 I started a period (quite the accomplishment....), I still was not ovulating. So my doctor wanted to start me on Provera (induces period) and 50mg of Clomid (induces ovulation), but first she wanted to make sure we were not dealing with two issues, so she referred AJ to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) aka Fertility Specialist to do a sperm analysis. His results came back fairly low (20 million and anything below 20 million is considered low), so we were then referred to a urologist. He had another date with a cup and the same results same back. A slightly low sperm count, but the quality was perfect, so the urologist said that he does not see any problems with his ability to get me pregnant and he gave us the go ahead to use Clomid. I was excited to have a little jump start and to start my medication. I did more research online (I'm very guilty of that...) and even found out that a friend of mine had to use Clomid to get pregnant and she now has unbelievably cute 3 year old twins from her first round of Clomid.
While I was waiting to start my 50mg of Clomid we went to the beach and I made my way to the Coach Factory Store and found a unisex Coach diaper bag. I figured that I would buy it since it was such a good deal and I was going to get pregnant that month-- of course, I would. I am on Clomid, what else would happen? On the 11th day of my cycle I went in for an ultrasound and I had three big folliciles so the OB tech told me that I should ovulate soon. Then on the 21st day of my cycle I went in for my very first progesterone check to see if I ovulated. I went in confident and felt that I definitely ovulated. A couple of days later my doctor calls me to tell me that my ultrasound looked great, and I have no known medical conditions, but I did not ovulate. So she increased my dosage to 100mg and wrote my another prescription for Provera.
This time on the 100mg of Clomid I decided that I would take a ovulate test every morning and track my basal body temperature to help track my ovulation. I think it was cycle day 11 or 12 when I took my morning ovulation test and I had two blue lines! I ovulated!! Then the next morning I took it again (just our of curiosity) and two blue lines again! And again the next morning when I took my temperature my temp increased which is what is supposed to happen 24-48 hours after ovulation. Well again on the 21st day of my cycle I went in for my progesterone check and my progesterone levels were at 1.6 (they need to be above ten for proof of ovulation), so she gave us the option of going to 150mg of Clomid or referring us back to the RE. At that point I was mad at Clomid and didn't want to take it ever again, so I decided to make an appointment to see the RE. Well when we couldn't get in for over a month and when I told told that it would cost $300 just to walk in the door and talk with the doctor and any additional test/exam would be seperate (insurance doesn't cover infertility unless it is caused by a medical condition), I decided to give Clomid one more try since it cost $20 and insurance covers all of the follow up needed with it, so I called my doctor back and asked her to write me another prescription for Provera and the 150mg of Clomid.
When I started the 150mg of Clomid I decided that I was not going to take the ovulation tests or track my temperature since they both lie. I figured that we would just do what we are supposed to do, when we are supposed to do it, and then on cycle day 21, I would go in for my usual progesterone levels. Well to my surprise and with the help of 150mg of Clomid, I ovulated!!!! My progesterone levels were 11.6. When I found out two weeks later that I was not pregnant I was okay with that because at least I ovulated and could take the 150mg of Clomid again.
When I took the next cycle of Clomid (after my period started on it's own! No more Provera for me!) and went in for my progesterone check my levels were 23.32! I couldn't believe it! The nurse told me that if I needed the next month's cycle of Clomid to let her know, but she didn't think that I would need it with those progesterone levels. I called AJ and my mom and told them the good news. Well two weeks later my world came to a screeching halt when again, I was not pregnant.
So that brings us to where we are now. I took the 150mg of Clomid...again...and I ovulated...again...with progesterone levels of 35.03. I was cramping for a little over a week and just knew that I was pregnant, well nice and early, my monthly "gift" presented herself. I will start the next 150mg cycle of Clomid next week, but who knows how long my doctor will allow me to stay on it.
When I got off the pill we thought that everything was going to work out perfectly. The baby would have been born at the perfect time of year, and everything in our lives would be just right. In September when I started my period I didn't really care. Although, I would rather it not be there and be pregnant instead, I looked at it as a good thing and figured that at least I am adjusting to getting off the pill smoothly. Needless to say, that did not continue... October rolled around and no period. November, December, and January: nothing. I knew from all of the research that I have done that when you're under thirty-five you should wait a year before seeking medical help, but when I went four months with no period, I figured that there must be something wrong. I made an appointment to establish an OB and figure everything out and in February is when my whole entire world was turned upside-down.
After being poked, proded, examed, and questionned, we found out that I do not ovulate on my own. Even though in February of 2010 I started a period (quite the accomplishment....), I still was not ovulating. So my doctor wanted to start me on Provera (induces period) and 50mg of Clomid (induces ovulation), but first she wanted to make sure we were not dealing with two issues, so she referred AJ to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) aka Fertility Specialist to do a sperm analysis. His results came back fairly low (20 million and anything below 20 million is considered low), so we were then referred to a urologist. He had another date with a cup and the same results same back. A slightly low sperm count, but the quality was perfect, so the urologist said that he does not see any problems with his ability to get me pregnant and he gave us the go ahead to use Clomid. I was excited to have a little jump start and to start my medication. I did more research online (I'm very guilty of that...) and even found out that a friend of mine had to use Clomid to get pregnant and she now has unbelievably cute 3 year old twins from her first round of Clomid.
While I was waiting to start my 50mg of Clomid we went to the beach and I made my way to the Coach Factory Store and found a unisex Coach diaper bag. I figured that I would buy it since it was such a good deal and I was going to get pregnant that month-- of course, I would. I am on Clomid, what else would happen? On the 11th day of my cycle I went in for an ultrasound and I had three big folliciles so the OB tech told me that I should ovulate soon. Then on the 21st day of my cycle I went in for my very first progesterone check to see if I ovulated. I went in confident and felt that I definitely ovulated. A couple of days later my doctor calls me to tell me that my ultrasound looked great, and I have no known medical conditions, but I did not ovulate. So she increased my dosage to 100mg and wrote my another prescription for Provera.
This time on the 100mg of Clomid I decided that I would take a ovulate test every morning and track my basal body temperature to help track my ovulation. I think it was cycle day 11 or 12 when I took my morning ovulation test and I had two blue lines! I ovulated!! Then the next morning I took it again (just our of curiosity) and two blue lines again! And again the next morning when I took my temperature my temp increased which is what is supposed to happen 24-48 hours after ovulation. Well again on the 21st day of my cycle I went in for my progesterone check and my progesterone levels were at 1.6 (they need to be above ten for proof of ovulation), so she gave us the option of going to 150mg of Clomid or referring us back to the RE. At that point I was mad at Clomid and didn't want to take it ever again, so I decided to make an appointment to see the RE. Well when we couldn't get in for over a month and when I told told that it would cost $300 just to walk in the door and talk with the doctor and any additional test/exam would be seperate (insurance doesn't cover infertility unless it is caused by a medical condition), I decided to give Clomid one more try since it cost $20 and insurance covers all of the follow up needed with it, so I called my doctor back and asked her to write me another prescription for Provera and the 150mg of Clomid.
When I started the 150mg of Clomid I decided that I was not going to take the ovulation tests or track my temperature since they both lie. I figured that we would just do what we are supposed to do, when we are supposed to do it, and then on cycle day 21, I would go in for my usual progesterone levels. Well to my surprise and with the help of 150mg of Clomid, I ovulated!!!! My progesterone levels were 11.6. When I found out two weeks later that I was not pregnant I was okay with that because at least I ovulated and could take the 150mg of Clomid again.
When I took the next cycle of Clomid (after my period started on it's own! No more Provera for me!) and went in for my progesterone check my levels were 23.32! I couldn't believe it! The nurse told me that if I needed the next month's cycle of Clomid to let her know, but she didn't think that I would need it with those progesterone levels. I called AJ and my mom and told them the good news. Well two weeks later my world came to a screeching halt when again, I was not pregnant.
So that brings us to where we are now. I took the 150mg of Clomid...again...and I ovulated...again...with progesterone levels of 35.03. I was cramping for a little over a week and just knew that I was pregnant, well nice and early, my monthly "gift" presented herself. I will start the next 150mg cycle of Clomid next week, but who knows how long my doctor will allow me to stay on it.
Little intuition
You know that little voice in your head that tells you something is wrong? Well, I've had that obnoxious voice since I was in high school when I got on the birth control pill. I took that infamous little while pill every single day, on time, never a second late, yet I had that inner voice telling me that I was wasting my time and that I don't even need the pill. I told AJ time and time again that my biggest fear is that I am wasting my time on the birth control pill because I never even needed it, well apparently my little intuition was right.
Don't get me wrong, when I was young, ignorant, and in high school, even though deep down I heard that voice, I just knew that I would be the 1% that gets pregnant on the birth contol pill. Well needless to say I was not that 1% that got pregnant, I was one of the 99% that do not get pregnant. That was the only time regarding my reproductive health that I was one of the ordinary.
I hated that pill. I absolutely hated it. I hated taking it every day. I hated living the first half of my day staring at the clock waiting for my time to take the pill. Most of all I hated what it did to me. However, I didn't know that feelings that I was experiencing were from the pill at all. I found that out shortly after I got off of the it. I was on that pill for five long years of my life. Five years that if I could go back, I definitely not have taken that pill and would have made more responsible decisions. But I cannot go back, so now we are stuck trying to find our way through infertility and how to start the rest of our lives.
Don't get me wrong, when I was young, ignorant, and in high school, even though deep down I heard that voice, I just knew that I would be the 1% that gets pregnant on the birth contol pill. Well needless to say I was not that 1% that got pregnant, I was one of the 99% that do not get pregnant. That was the only time regarding my reproductive health that I was one of the ordinary.
I hated that pill. I absolutely hated it. I hated taking it every day. I hated living the first half of my day staring at the clock waiting for my time to take the pill. Most of all I hated what it did to me. However, I didn't know that feelings that I was experiencing were from the pill at all. I found that out shortly after I got off of the it. I was on that pill for five long years of my life. Five years that if I could go back, I definitely not have taken that pill and would have made more responsible decisions. But I cannot go back, so now we are stuck trying to find our way through infertility and how to start the rest of our lives.
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