Age and Frustration

I can't sleep tonight so I decided that I would write about what's irritating me, also it's National Writing Day so it couldn't be a better time.

I joined a support group through a local church in September and we meet every Tuesday. I like the ladies in my group, but we don't exactly have the same faith viewpoint, so it gets a little frustrating, but I let it roll off and don't say what I am thinking. Then, the third Tuesday of every month we meet in Portland for a Resolve meeting which is great. It's a nationwide group of an eclectic variety of people. I absolutely love this group. There is everyone from the single woman, the lesbian couple, non-religious people, and then my group. Although I feel like I can open up more in the Resolve group because I don't feel so judged, I still sometimes get the "you're young so don't worry" kind of a treatment every once in a while, which is mostly from the normal Tuesday church group.

Yes, I am young. I am ten days shy of 24, but does that really make it any less hard on me? When a couple decides to start a family they want it then. No one goes into starting a family as "well let's practice for a few years, and if we get pregnant in that time that's fine, but whatever..." No, when you decide to start a family this uncontrollable urge and desire to become a mother and a family takes over every ounce of your being.

I am not the typical early to mid twenty something. I never have been the same as other people my age. I am in my twenties, but a huge majority of my friends are in their late twenties to mid thirties, with a few late thirties/early forties. Even out of my friends that are my age, most of them have kids and/or are pregnant. I do not party. I don't drink. I am mellow. I am happy and content in my marriage. The only thing I occasionally do is go to happy hour with my friends (who all have kids....) But I love the daily routine of our lives together, so is it really that outrageous that I want to have a baby now?

In my opinion it's even scarier to me that I am not getting pregnant. The people who start trying in their mid thirties are taking a risk. After age 35 getting pregnant and carrying a healthy baby to term is more of a challenge. So here I am, almost 24, I have been trying for 14 months to get pregnant and nothing. I am in my early/mid twenties and seeking infertility treatment. I should be in prime reproductive age, but I'm not, so who knows, maybe this will go on until I am 35.

I am willing to bet that those people who started trying in their thirties wish they would have started earlier. Maybe it's a blessing that we are starting young because it gives us a lot higher of a probability of getting pregnant.

So please don't ask me how old I am because I "look really young." I am grieving, failing, seeking, and hoping just like you, and just because I am young does not make it any easier. I guess the only thing that I have on my side is that I am more time before I am in that high-risk, advanced maternal age, category.

I would not wish infertility on anyone, so to those who judge, please don't belittle my problem and I will not point fingers are you. Everyone of us who has been classified as infertile has experienced the same let downs, bad news, and failure month after month, and age really shouldn't have anything to do with how someone feels. As long has a couple has been together for sometime and is committed, then why do people feel the need in interject their mindless opinions? I will not judge you for what you are, so please do not judge me for what I am. I will, however, judge you for what you do.

On to my frustration rant- I am thinking about leaving the church group that I am apart of. I like meeting people and hopefully gaining friendships with people experiencing what I am and people who I can bounce ideas and questions off of, but I am really started to second guess if it is the right fit for me. We are reading a book about coming to the end of trying to conceive and making peace with infertility. That is not me at all. I am still on the beginning stages of it so I need to read books that tell me people's personal stories of struggle that leads to success with all of the nitty gritty details included. I do not need to read about giving up. I don't like that we pray at every meeting twice, and I don't like giving my prayer request at the end because I feel like I am lying. Plus, I did not like the way one of the group members acted with a lesbian couple at the Resolve meeting. I hate how very Christian people feel like they are sent to Earth to be the police of all people and pass judgement because they are not the same. Guess what, Hitler did that too... I'm not comparing Christians to Hitler at all, but judging people for what they are is not your place in this society.

I like the girls in the group so I don't want to leave them. I just have a lot of thinking about and decide what is the best fit for me.